Ninja in Kimono
I had a wonderful dream:
Someone passed a beautiful tunic to me made of gold and pink brocade. I put it on and of course I could fly. It wasn't a surprise to me. I knew it was a magickal robe. It was called a "Ninja Kimono", or perhaps, I just thought that is what it looked like. Unfortuntely, I felt undeserving of it. I struggled with keeping it.
I wonder why it is that I don't think I am good enough to have fine things. Part of me can not deal with the guilt I feel from owning such lavishness. Perhaps, it would help to remember that no matter how lovely or precious everything is still impermanent - even fine silk brocade kimonos, or our precious lives. Maybe, if I think like that I won't put too much importance on some things and not on others.
My dreams teach me that I am my own saboteur. Life hands me beauty and I feel it is too good for me. This is changing, now! I cannot continue to exist and feel this way. Too much is at stake, including my child's life.
After all, my friends see the potential in me, why can't I? One of dear friends from Montreal had a dream about me, too:
You were rich from writing a book and you looked beautiful and had beautiful children.
That is what she told me. Although, I have no idea why there is an implication of children, rather than child, I do know that I have been told by many, many people that I need to write.
So, it is time. I have to make these dreams reality. I had an image come to me last night of each negative thought I had being armour plating. Much the same as Reich had suggested of the protective layers we develop as we grow.
Reich decided the patients' body language could be more revealing than their words. He observed their tone of voice and the way they moved and concluded that people form a kind of ARMOUR to protect themselves, not only from the blows of the outside world, but also from their own desires and instincts. Most of us desire something, and immediately set out to find ways NOT to get it! Reich saw this process working in the body. Over the years a person builds up this character armour through bodily habits and patterns of physical behaviour.
Interesting man, that Reich.
That soft, vulnerable feeling is the key. Nothing to fear.
2 comments:
Soft doesn't need to mean vulnerable. Hard and immovable is characteristic of vulnerability, because it implies separateness from things around, the building of a wall to protect something weak. Softness is a dissolution of barriers between things, and is therefore the ultimate expression of the confidence and security in things.
It builds a view of the world as not only coexistent, but codependent with yourself. For every push there is a pull. You go in with the whirl and out with the swirl. When you are supple and malleable in every thought and action, you can flow in and around anybody and anything. Trust that what you are at the root has no need of protection, it is the most powerful part of you and anything you do to cover it will only strangle its potential. The less you try and protect it, the more you will project it.
Oh, and hi! Sorry for not being in touch for so long. Stories to tell, though!
Hi Iamus! MWAH!
You are right, being "soft" makes one more invulnerable. I was referring to the that feeling of tenderness one gets when exposed after being armored up. Just like searing sunlight when a blindfold is removed. Learning to feel comfortable and fluid in that exposure and with the tenderness without toughening up again is difficult to do.
That "trust" is very tough to achieve. I have strangled my potential before. I know exactly what you mean. I get caught up in fighting for my life. I need to learn to shake that feeling of struggling. I often feel stretched so thin as do many people in my position.
There is a retreat at my Temple that I really wish I could go to so I could slow down. My days and nights are like a blur. It is so easy to be reactionary and put up walls for protection when the daily drive is for survival. Surviving rather thriving...cliche but true.
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