tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78880629893734090642024-02-02T03:06:40.456-05:00Mother LodeDarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-37978281092014723762011-03-03T11:24:00.004-05:002011-03-03T14:03:02.564-05:00The Red Flag List<span style="color:#cc33cc;"><strong><em>Everything highlighted in red is what I went through with my exboyfriend.</em></strong></span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">1. He does things to make you feel financially obligated to him, without your asking. For instance, you haven't known each other for a year and he pays off your car to surprise you. If you and this loser break up, you will definitely get a notice to appear in small claims court to repay this "loan". </span>
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<br /></span><span style="color:#ff0000;">2. "The Dangling Carrot". This person throws money around to hook you, and make you believe that he is a generous person. Watch closely and you will see his attitude about money change over the months and years that you know him. The moment you are "hooked" either by moving in together or getting married, all of a sudden he is concerned about expenses and you'll find yourself nickel-and-dimed at every turn. </span>
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<br /></span>3. When you get into an argument, he tells you to, "Read Machiavelli's 'The Prince' so you can learn to deal with assholes like me."
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<br />4. He constantly says that ALL women are psycho.
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<br />5. He sleeps constantly. In fact, he uses it--his need for sleep--as a regular excuse to miss meals, events and even quit work.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">6. She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them. You end up calling first because you have fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction usually dominated by someone who has mental health issues. This person is good at yo yo-ing you're emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users. </span>
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<br />7. He admits to paying for and having sex with a prostitute. Quadruple red flag points if he admits he did it without a condom.
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<br />8. He hurts pets or talks about how he has hurt them in the past.
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<br />9. He directly endangers your life by driving drunk.
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<br />10. He has no hobbies other than watching TV
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">11. He (or SHE) tries to take you on as some sort of "project" and attempt to "improve" you, as if you need to be "fixed" and he/she's doing you some sort of favor. </span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">12. Instead of being honest with you about how he feels, you find out that he (or SHE) ridicules you behind your back, even when you have expressed a preference for honesty.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">13. He decides that something about your behavior is bothering him, but never tells you directly, as a friend would, giving you the chance to have an open discussion. Instead, he drops subtle hints, or does it in a roundabout fashion, like sending a letter to a publication he knows you read, hoping you'll see it. When you don't pick up on the clues, he gets angry. </span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">14. You visit at his home or apartment and it has hardly any furnishings or curtains. You find out he didn't just move in - it's been like this for months or years. When you go on a date together he asks your opinion on curtains and sofas etc. He wants YOU to be the one who chooses the colour, décor and all the knick knacks and you have been dating for two weeks? Watch out! Men like this are searching for a mothering type to save them and fix them. Run now!
<br /></span><em>-Hmm, my ex actually lives with his mother! </em>
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<br />15. When you say you need space, he gets mad, and says, "Well, I thought we had a relationship WITHOUT boundaries..."
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">16. He says things like "You make me feel bad about myself" when you try to assert healthy boundaries. </span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">17. He dumped his ex in an incredibly mean way - in front of her friends, or at their wedding, for example. Then tells you about it in great detail, with pride in his voice, expecting you to be impressed.
<br /></span><em>-he dumped me this way </em>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">18. He doesn't like you talking about (or doesn't even let you talk about) any ex boyfriends/husbands, especially past sexual stuff
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<br />19. Complains about your clothes - that they are too tight, too revealing, etc. when they are really not.
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<br />20. You find keyloggers on your computer or find him trying to get into your emails
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<br />21. He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">22. He vassilates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether he wants to be in a relationship or not.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">23. He checks out personal stuff while you are still dating.. such as your bills laying around, notes, letters, stuff on your computer
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<br />24. He wants to get you pregnant asap
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<br />25. He calls his mother everyday and for every thing that comes up in his daily life
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">26. He talks outside on the phone w/ his family, never around you
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">27. He never really talks about any ex's but does blame everything on them, they cheated, wanted $, etc.
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<br />28. He has ex wives that you find out about LATER
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<br />29. He doesn't like to go to social places like bars, where there are a lot of people and possible attention on you from other men
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<br />30. He refers to ex-girlfriends or wives with terms like "Bitch", "Cunt" or "Whore".
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<br />31. He gives you gifts, and takes them back when you get into a fight ( those aren’t gifts they’re his bargaining chips)
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">32. He wants to adopt any children you have asap and wants them to call HIM daddy asap
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">33. He has tried and/or admits to trying to make you mad for no real reason.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">34. He mentions how you should feel "lucky" to be one of the chosen few on his "good" list. "There's not a lot of people in this world I let into my life."
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<br />35. The only thing he EVER says when you are in need of empathy/support is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or, in his true narcissistic fashion, he will mention how he has felt, or feels, the EXACT same way; hence; bringing the spotlight back over to him. AGAIN.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">36. He plays with himself while you are lying naked next to him. It will make you feel like you are laying next to a child that has discovered his penis for the first time.</span>
<br /><em>-OMG! I hated this!
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<br />37. He mentions how he has a high IQ, and not many people "understand him."
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<br />38. The only time he says anything remotely "sincere" is when he's drunk...which is 5 nights a week. (usually after work) He'll say things that make you believe he really DOES have that soft side you've been seeking since the day you met him. "You're so good for me" "I want to be loved and show love" "You know I love you..."
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">39. He is domineering and selfish in bed. Gives you orders. "Touch me" "Look at me" "Tell me how much you want me." He won't get off unless you are doing these things. Sex is NOT a sensual experience for him. He doesn't understand that you are a human, have feelings, need to be treated gently, etc. Sex is just another method of him proving his greatness. And if you don't get off, he'll be upset. Not because he genuinly cares about you; but because he didn't live up to his false sexual alter ego. King of the Satin-Sheet Throne, if you will.
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<br />40. When you ask him why he's so quiet, he says, "I only say what needs to be said." He mentions the beauty of silence, and how so many people fill up the air with unnessessary vocalizations. BARF.
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<br />41. When you ask him why he doesn't open up about his emotions, he says, "I'm a machine. I'm programmed not to feel." When you tell him that's the most absurd thing you've ever heard, he will use his job (as a general manager, or any authority position) as an excuse of WHY he can't open up.
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<br />42. He is a film critic, a history major, and poet. You are almost intimidated by his "artsy" side. He is intelligent, well-versed, and well educated. You think to yourself, "How did I snag such a GREAT guy?" As time goes by, you notice that his film reviews (especially historical war films) and poetry are the ONLY areas he "comes alive." You wonder why he has such a strong connection to certain things, yet emotionally he's aloof.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">43. When you call him out on his shit, he playfully says, "I'm clueless!" He will say this over and over again, as if it's "cute." When you are genuinely pissed off at him, he will bat his broken puppy dog eyes, and say, "I know you love me, though..."
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<br />44. Will mention how much he hates his father; yet talks to him every other day on the phone.
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<br />45. Takes no responsibility if the relationship isn't going "swimmingly." He blames YOU. YOU'RE not working with the situation. YOU'RE not accepting him the way he is. YOU'RE passive-aggressive, etc.
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<br />46. His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you "know" him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like he's hiding something. He never really explains any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">47. Makes extremely creepy, misogynistic comments. "I think it would be really funny, when you're introducing yourself to a woman, to extend your hand out, shake her hand, and say, 'I'm gonna rape you!' " You do NOT laugh, though he gets a kick out of this. When you corner him on this, he mentions how his uncles used to make rape-jokes.....towards him.</span>
<br /><em>-Seriously, he thinks that `no` sometimes means `yes`
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<br />48. Is over socially opinionated. At first you think he's well educated, and become intrigued some of the odd facts he knows. Later you realize all these facts add up to the whole, "fighting the good fight" mentality. He's always trying to seek justice, prove wrong, pinpoint facts, find the irony, uncover the conspiracy, etc. His brain is infatuated with this shit. It's all part of the "holier than thou" mindset, how he has everything "figured out" and you should feel proud to be with such a brave man. GAG.
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<br />49. He tells you he hates you with utter vehemence when he is angry.
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<br />50. If you ever once, just for one second, see a frightening, mad, staring-eyed look on his face that isn’t the result of something at least as horrifying as him having just been bitten by a venomous snake (i.e if you’ve just suggested you both visit some friends of yours) then no matter how fleeting it was or how deeply you think you care for him, either run for the hills or change the locks (depending on whose house it is). Ignore this one and it could cost you your life.
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<br />51. He demands sex on the first date, and when you repeatedly refuse it, he replies that he won't take no for an answer, and asks repeatedly what he has to do to make you change your mind.
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<br />52. He wants to have sex when you are sick, with no regard for how you feel. These are the same kinds of people who will tell you that they require sex or a sexual act daily to be fulfilled, with no regard for their partner's state of mind or arousal.
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<br />53. His favourite subject is how oppressed he is by the world, and how all these feminists and liberated women who always turn him down have damaged his self-concept and made life so hard for him.
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<br />54. He has a litany of stories regarding "ex's" that have screwed him over.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">55. Facts change within stories - he tells you one thing and twenty minutes later tells you another</span>.
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<br />56. Over 30 with no car, no phone (cell or otherwise) and/or a history of changing residences and/or jobs multiple times in the last year.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">57. Tells you grandiose stories of past experiences that don't seem to fit together.
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<br />58. On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">59. Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">60. He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait. </span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">61. He/she always has an "agenda". Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to his/her goal(s), without addressing the other person's concerns.</span>
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<br />62. He says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you) </span>
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<br />63. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. I am not saying being nice to them, I mean trying to establish his OWN close relationship with them. (In the beginning easily taken for 'nice': he wants to be a part of my life, but in fact a means to have better control -e.g. make you start doubting them later if he wants to alienate you from them, to make you more dependent on him, and to prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with him (friends don't want to get "caught in the middle"). Manipulators try to get close to YOUR friends in order to feed misinformation behind the scenes, so that they come off looking like martyrs when they pull the rug out.
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<br />64. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
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<br />65. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.
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<br />66. Men who take a casual touch football or video game and turn it into a major competitive event complete with "psych-out" insults and verbal baiting. Later, when feelings are hurt, he will say that the object of this fierce competitiveness was "hypersensitive" or just a sore loser crybaby.
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<br />67. You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours, for example to not lend him your car for a week or something, and he acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that YOU ARE VERY SELFISH. 99.9% of the time, when a person tells you YOU are selfish, it is because you are refusing to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of theirs. They will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person - such things as going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without him, etc. are "selfish" since they are not about him or his "needs."
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<br />68. He/she tries to enlist your help in getting revenge on or publicly embarrassing his/her ex.
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<br />69. He/she enlists your friends and family to get you back after a fight or break up.
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<br />70. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">71. He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">72. He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">73. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.
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<br />74. He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.
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<br />75. He says things like, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone...", trying to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, so you'll stay around when he is clearly behaving like an ass.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">76. He sits in the car, honking the horn, or starts to drive away, while you are still in the house/apartment, trying to get ready to go out. He knows you aren't ready yet, but he goes out to the car anyway. He gets angry and frustrated if you aren't ready the instant HE is. Your life is expected to run on HIS schedule.
<br /></span><em>-Oh dear gawd, true, so true
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">77. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">78. Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">79. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">80. He drops subtle or not-so-subtle hints about how "perfect" he thinks he is, or what a great catch others have said he is, and how "lucky" you are to have him. Unfortunately, with this guy, you will never be able to live up to his impossible standards. </span>
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<br />81. He tells you how his previous girlfriend (the one he dumped for you) says the two of you won't last (attempting to hook you into trying to prove her wrong).
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<br />82. He sulks or acts like a sullen jerk if you ask him to attend function with you that he doesn't want to attend, or if you don't want to leave early, when HE does. He is incapable of being mature about it and just figuring out how to have fun.
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<br />83. He goes to a movie or play or concert that YOU expressed an interest in seeing, with someone else - deliberately timing it so that you were unavailable to attend.
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<br />84. He makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you.
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<br />85. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he fucked things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to fuck it up.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">86. Even though he will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand, he holds his previous girlfriend(s) up as impossible standards for you to live up to.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">87. He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">88. He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">89. He warns you about his previous bad behaviour, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
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<br />90<span style="color:#ff0000;">. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a commitment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behaviour - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">91. He has no friends of the opposite sex.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">92. He has no friends period.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">93. He has people he calls "friends" but he very rarely, (or *never* calls) them, goes out with them or does anything with them.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">94. His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract UNhealthy friends.)
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<br />95. He/She abandons his/her current "friends" at the start of your relationship, and practically never sees them, never does anything with them anymore - he/she is completely focussed on YOU.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">96. He has no spine- lets you do whatever you want, never says NO. Says things like, "Whatever you do." or "It's up to you."
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<br />97. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">98. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.
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<br />99. He/She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but him/her. Won't let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them. Or insists she/he doesn't need any friends except for you.
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<br />100. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">101. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame". </span>
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<br />102. He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression".
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">103. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately. </span>
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<br />104. He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.
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<br />105. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">106. (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">107. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses</span>.
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<br />108. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."
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<br />109. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
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<br />110. He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings), ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">111. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.
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<br />112. He's seeing someone else (and he is intimate with them) and he falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU.
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<br />113. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities with each passing day - he's setting you up. He's "mirroring" you to be more attractive. It's another abuser/controller pattern.
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<br />114. He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">115. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.</span>
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<br />116. He/She takes pride in how he/she "screwed over" the ex financially in the divorce.
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<br />117. He renegs on or "forgets" any financial agreement the two of you had - such as to share the rent on a basement apartment you both worked on to fix up.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">118. He insists that you remain financially independent and then complains when you can't afford the same level of entertainment and travel that HE can. </span>
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">119. He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is). </span>
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<br />120. He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.
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<br />121. He suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why he is irritable, inconsiderate and even nasty.
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<br />122. He continually rejects your ideas for things to do, (dates) places to go, etc.
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<br />123. He "forgets" critical things that he has KNOWN for years, like the fact that you are allergic to feathers (and buys a feather comforter for the bed, or a feather pillow).
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<br />124. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".
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<br />125. He tells snide joking insults about you in front of others. If you complain, he says it was all in fun and you are just being too sensitive.
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<br />126. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.
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<br />127. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">128. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behaviour or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did. </span>
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<br />129. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.
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<br />130. He/she continually wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts insisting/implying that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">131. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
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<br />132. He uses money to win influence and/or get attention, not because he is genuinely altruistic or generous in nature - for example, he drops hundreds or thousands of dollars on "donations" to charitable organizations (so he can get VIP status at their functions), but won't loan you his $5 beat-up old backpack.
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<br />133. She doesn't eat.
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<br />134. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!
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<br />135. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">136. Over 30 and still living at home. </span>
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<br />137. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.
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<br />138. On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)
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<br />139. After only one or two dates, gets overly possessive. Calls constantly, sends gifts, shows up at work.
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<br />140. His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows like Comdex, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.
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<br />141. He stockpiles weapons.
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<br />142. He has kids with various women and never sees them.
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<br />143. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.
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<br />144. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.
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<br />145. He/she says things like "you're everything to me. I can't live without you."
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<br />146. Everyone hates him- your friends, your parents, even your dog.
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<br />147. He/she is under 23 and has already been married and divorced and has kids.
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<br />148. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.
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<br />149. He shows signs of penny-pinching. For example, a guy who only goes to the rep theatre because he has a special card, and then won't even buy a popcorn but eats out of your container all night and shares your soda. Then won't even go out for a beer after, even if it's a weekend. His clothes are ten years old or more.
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<br />150. He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.
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<br />151. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
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<br />152. He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to wait staff and gets a kick out of their discomfort.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">153. He refuses to wear a condom and supports his argument against condoms by saying, "I never wear them."
<br /></span>
<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">154. He tells you not to get "illusions of grandeur" in regard to marrying him. </span>
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<br />155. Sports programs pre-empt visits with his children on a regular basis.
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<br />156. This is a big one: He downplays all the "RULES" people follow when dating. He complains that women always make men jump through hoops. He focuses on these two issues for most of his conversations in the first few dates. His way of getting around the rules is to repeat, "Ours isn't a conventional relationship. We're not like all of those other people out there who have to have boundaries."
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<br />157. During sex, he/she requests some creepy sexual act, making it impossible for him/her and you to ever enjoy sex with another person again or have children, i.e. removing the testicles, clitoris and other such things.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">158. Heated arguments about trivial things (i.e. your tone when saying baby, failure to catch a blown kiss) arise out of nowhere and just as easily they disappear. After which, he/she is super apologetic about things you BOTH should change.</span>
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<br />159. He says "my mother doesn't even like me." Run.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">160. He begins a sentence with "I'm telling you the truth." (This is a usually a neon sign that says a lie is coming.) </span>
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<br />161. He laughs gleefully when you get in a fight with your mom/dad/sister/brother/friend.
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<br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">162. He says he is still a virgin at 39 because women scare him, and he wanted to wait for the right woman who would understand his sensitive heart.
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<br />163. He or she is on a labour intensive, esoteric diet that has to be endlessly catered to. People like this can limit your social horizons and isolate you, very quickly.
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<br />164. The person has a medical condition, such as diabetes, and refuses to take adult responsibility for sticking with diet, medication and exercise.
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<br />165. The person has an active addiction or a medical psychiatric condition such as bipolar disorder and follows a treatment plan just long enough to look good and get you to marry them. Once you marry the person and (worse yet) get pregnant, all at once the person resumes the addiction and or goes off the psych medications. If you are dating someone who discloses a history of addiction or a major psych medical disorder, adherence to treatment and medication should be required and going off the medication should be a deal breaker.
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<br />166. The person is highly responsible, but only because he (or she) was from a dysfunctional family and was groomed to be Family Rescuer/Strong Person. Unless the person has years of therapy to break the cycle, you run the risk of your own marriage turning into a non-stop board and care facility/bail bond agency, bank etc. You will inherit the Rescuer mantle and constantly have some family member in crisis, needing to sleep on your couch, get a loan, etc.
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<br />167. He seems quiet gentle, even courteous most of the time, but blasts off like a raging maniac while watching sports on TV or ranting about social or religious injustice. This may be the sign of a secretly angry person who hides the fury behind a public false self and has to vent that anger in private.
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<br />168. If he/she is in a spiritual or helping profession, make sure he or she isn't using the good cause work to conceal an essential narcissism. Some selfish people covertly use spirituality as a psy-ops weapon. It does indeed happen that someone can be an asshole in private will conceal this behind a public facade and do lots of good away from home as a renowned therapist, a much loved social justice activist, or as a charismatic and saintly spiritual leader. Being partnered with a Jekyll/Hyde type who is a saint in public and a schmuck in private is a nightmare because no one wants to believe that such an altruist could possibly be abusive in private.
<br />There is a small but important subsection of assholes that go into good cause work or the ministry precisely to conceal, even to themselves, their own dark sides. They may need to marry in order to be employable as ministers. So be very careful if dating people like this.
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<br />169. He comes from a much wealthier family that is readily accepting of you. Most rich families prefer for their sons and daughters to marry equivalently rich partners--the instinct is to keep the family money intact and add to it, whenever possible. If the family seems too eager, make sure that their reasons for embracing you aren't any of the following:
<br />o the son is getting old enough that his single status is arousing comment.
<br />o no girl from a rich family has been willing to take him on.
<br />o in event of a divorce, you would be unable to afford a lawyer equivalent to what the in-laws can afford.
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<br />170. You read this list, and when one of these things seems to apply to your significant other, you think "Well, he/she does this, but it's different because of his/her situation" or, worse yet, "It's really my fault that he/she does this".
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<br /><a href="http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml">http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml</a>
<br />Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-72988511733714200212011-02-24T18:23:00.002-05:002011-02-25T03:02:10.286-05:00THE PLAN<span style="color: rgb(128, 0, 0);font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" ><strong></strong></span> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" ><span style=";font-family:lucida grande;font-size:180%;" >O</span>nce there was a sweeper in a well known temple and he was very sincere and devoted. Every time he saw thousands of devotees coming to take darshan of the Lord, he thought that the Lord is standing all the time and giving darshan and He must be feeling very tired. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >So one day very innocently he asked the Lord whether he can take the place of the Lord for a day so that the Lord can have some relief and rest. The Deity of Temple replied, "I do not mind taking a break. I will transform you like Myself, but you must do one thing. You must just stand here like Me, smile at everyone and just give benedictions. Do not interfere with anything and do not say anything. Remember you are the deity and you just have faith that I have a master plan for everything." The sweeper agreed to this. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >The next day the sweeper took the position of the deity and a rich man came and prayed to the Lord. He offered a nice donation and prayed that his business should be prosperous. While going, the rich man inadvertently left his wallet full of money right there. Now the sweeper in the form of deity could not call him and so he decided to control himself and keep quiet. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >Just then a poor man came and he put one coin in the Hundi and said that it was all he could afford and he prayed to the Lord that he should continue to be engaged in the Lord's service. He also said that his family was in dire need of some basic needs but he left it to the good hands of the Lord to give some solution. When he opened his eyes, he saw the wallet left by the rich man. The poor man thanked the Lord for His kindness and took the wallet very innocently. The sweeper in the form of the Deity could not say anything and he had to just keep smiling. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >At that point a sailor walked in. He prayed for his safe journey as he was going on a long trip. Just then the rich man came with the police and said that somebody has stolen his wallet and seeing the sailor there, he asked the police to arrest him thinking that he might have taken it. Now the sweeper in the form of Deity wanted to say that the sailor is not the thief but he could not say so and he became greatly frustrated. The sailor looked at the Lord and asked why he, an innocent person, is being punished. The rich man looked at the Lord and thanked Him for finding the thief. The sweeper in the deity form could no more tolerate and he thought that even if the real Lord had been here, he would have definitely interfered and hence he started speaking and said that the sailor is not the thief but it was the poor man who took away the wallet. The rich man was very thankful as also the sailor. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >In the night, the real Lord came and He asked the sweeper how the day was. The sweeper said, "I thought it would be easy, but now I know that Your days are not easy, but I did one good thing." Then he explained the whole episode to the Lord. The Lord became very upset on hearing this whereas the sweeper thought the Lord would appreciate him for the good deed done. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >The Lord asked, "Why did you not just stick to the plan? You had no faith in Me. Do you think that I do not understand the hearts of all those who come here? All the donation which the rich man gave was all stolen money and it is only a fraction of what he really has and he wants Me to reciprocate unlimitedly. </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128);font-size:100%;" >The single coin offered by the poor man was the last coin he was having and he gave it to Me out of faith. The sailor might not have done anything wrong, but if the sailor were to go in the ship that night he was about to die because of bad weather and instead if he is arrested he would be in the jail and he would have been saved form a greater calamity. The wallet should go to the poor man because he will use it in My service. I was going to reduce the rich man's karma also by doing this and save the sailor also. But you cancelled everything because you thought you know My plan and you made your own plans." </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(128, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><strong>God has plans and justice for everyone....<br /></strong></span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(128, 0, 0);"><strong>We just have to have patience!!!!!</strong></span></span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><strong></strong></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></div> <div style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><strong><em><span style="color: rgb(0, 128, 0);">Best Regards...</span></em></strong></span></div>Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-66510811934299879122010-10-21T09:43:00.002-04:002010-10-21T09:46:26.708-04:00Yoga pic<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuImoQ7jc01yh5QtHnyFNDPx4mF2Wx-qPdk9-1klG39js04Ct2PPFf9_QCpF0Fes9RTVO0GswAM2p2ij4JniPf4hyphenhyphenz-tNeZo1KSbVM2AU1L56rlr1uwaC8PJhTo4MRNsJxy_2URkTnqhxB/s1600/lotus.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5530495191788837490" style="WIDTH: 67px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 74px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuImoQ7jc01yh5QtHnyFNDPx4mF2Wx-qPdk9-1klG39js04Ct2PPFf9_QCpF0Fes9RTVO0GswAM2p2ij4JniPf4hyphenhyphenz-tNeZo1KSbVM2AU1L56rlr1uwaC8PJhTo4MRNsJxy_2URkTnqhxB/s200/lotus.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span xmlns=""><br /><p></span></p></div>Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-16593444444691584562010-09-23T17:30:00.002-04:002010-09-23T19:46:14.591-04:00Revolutions<span xmlns=""><p>Yesterday was my son's birthday. That makes another revolution around the sun for him. I made a cake and we frosted it together. He hugged me and told me I am "the best mommy". I'm not, but it's nice that he says that to me.<br /></p><p>As for other revolutions; I am making an effort to create want I want in my life. I want beauty, health and harmony, and that is what I need to visualize. These things are possible for other people, why not me? It seems, as revolutions go, I tend to make the same orbit…you remember, I have these patterns that I tend to follow. They always lead me back to the same place. I hear that is the definition of insanity. So, I must do things differently if I wish to get different results. The pull is great to do the same things. I am stronger than that pull…I have to be.</p><p>There is a sometimes toxic tendency of mine to take on the suffering of others. I own their pain and make it mine. I do anything I can to remove that pain from them as if it was my own. It is not such a bad thing, really. If it is done for the right people, it can be a very loving experience. However, if I am taking on their anger, and pain and they cause me more on top of that, well then I get more than I can deal with. I cleanse them of pains and/or burdens, and I am left to deal with more than when I came into the relationship.<br /></p><p>It is a cycle I see. People tend to get hurt and they have pain, then they move along to the next person and dispose of their pain on the strong shoulder, or heart that is given in trust to them. So, knowing that I cannot pass this along to anyone, that this toxicity must end here with me, I know I cannot get too close to anyone. I cannot use anyone to prop me up when I cam feeling miserable only to unburden my soul on them. This cycle ends with me.</p><p>You see, I saw my son today riding on his bike. He was struggling to play, almost awkward it. He is hurting, because I am hurting. He has trouble just being a kid and being full of life and laughter. This is my fault. He, like myself, is a sponge. I should have known better because I am a grown up. He depends on me to know better. I am often too child-like in my trusting, especially in love. I can't be a sponge anymore, cleaning up everyone's messes. Well, that is not entirely true. I need to find a source of love that is strong enough for me...one that won't give up on me.<br /></p></span>Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-39954921532783941842010-09-19T12:14:00.002-04:002010-09-19T12:29:55.417-04:00StrugglingThere is nothing I can do to change things. I just have to accept the decision he has made to cut me out of his life. It hurts so much. Some moments are better than others, but mostly I feel like trash. I don't understand how people can throw out people who show them nothing but love and care. Apparently, I am not good enough for him and he told me that we have no future together. I just can't get my head around this. I treated him so well and he made promises to me. Will I ever be able to trust anyone? I thought he was like me, someone who gives 100% to a relationship, someone who doesn't give up and tries to work out issues and solve them with their partner.<br /><br />I can't date anyone right now. It only reminds me of how much I miss him. It's not like he cares how I feel, but I wish he was really who he said he was. He wasn't.<br /><br />I hope we can be friends someday. I think he is going to need one. Unfortunately, I have this curse where I love those I love forever. It never goes away. Unfortunate because I think people take advantage of that in me. They aren't there for me, but I am always there for them.<br /><br />I wish I could meet someone who loves like I do. I need my lifemate. I feel so alone.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-63725044300086319612010-09-11T08:59:00.006-04:002010-09-11T10:43:32.184-04:00What Am I Worth?So, it has been over a year since I last wrote in this blog. Thank you to all of you who are still fans, even though I all but deleted this.<br /><br />A quick update:<br /><ul><li>My most considerable achievement of the last year is I lost 60 lbs. I did gain 10 lbs. back, but I am still much slimmer than I used to be.</li><li>I fell in love. He was about to move in with me when he "snapped" and broke up with me on my birthday. We have been on and off again since then, but now mostly off. I have been trying to maintain a friendship with him because I do love him so much. It is hard watching him date other women, though. This type of relationship is something I need to work on...I'll get to that.</li><li>I have enrolled at a university to take distance learning courses. The problem is paying for it.</li><li>I still have a job at the same company and they haven't promoted me.</li></ul>So, I think those are the main highlights. Nope, nothing exciting. I haven't done much transforming, but that is the track I have to get myself back on.<br /><br />It seems I lost myself in this last relationship. I had not been in a relationship for about 5 years by the time he came along. I stayed away from men. I made myself unattractive with being overweight. I didn't even look at men and became as asexual as possible to avoid any intimacy with them...with anyone, actually.<br />There is a pattern I that has shown itself, that I have. I thought I was over it. Apparently, I am still as stupid as ever. I fall in love and I trust quite quickly. It's a dangerous flaw. I have slowed myself down since my younger days. Still, I gave my heart too quickly this time. He really seemed to want to be with me. He was crazy about me. I asked him if he was sure of his feelings several times. He always reassured me. He promised he wouldn't hurt me or misuse my trust in him. Damn, I believed him. WTF is wrong with me?<br />I held this beautiful vision of a wonderful life with him. He started painting my apartment so he could contribute something to what would soon be our place. He even said he would adopt my son! Then, on my birthday he came over, gave me my present, and then started to put his boots back on. I asked him what he was doing and he said he "just can't do this". He said he needs to be free now that he is divorced (he had been divorced for over a year by then), and that if he stays he will cheat on me. I feel so foolish now. Even worse, I feel like trash....just disposed of trash.<br />So, while I was making progress with my life before him, I have since slipped into a very desperate place after him.<br />Still, I have noticed there is a definite pattern in my choices. Not to excuse this guy and how he lead me on, but I have to find a way to learn where my power is and take it back. That pattern is the key. I trust too easily. I give my heart too easily. Then I find out that the other person is unable, or just unwilling, to hold up their end of our relationship. The other person simply won't put in the effort required of any relationship to actually have one with me. The reasons vary...slightly.<br />That leaves me in same situation over and over again. This awful feeling that I am not good enough, that no one values me, and that I have yet again, been used up and thrown away. I feel like I am a disposable girlfriend.<br />With everything I have read on this subject, everything tells me that I have to value myself first before anyone else will. Okay. I guess this is where I fail because I have no idea how to do that. It is hard to know how to value myself when I don't feel like anyone ever valued me. No unfortunately, not even my parents. Although, I think they would say they do value me and probably mean it, there are things from our past that have left an impression on me that they don't actually feel that way. Maybe it was an inability to show how much they value me since they probably were never shown themselves. Really, they are not bad people, let's get that straight.<br />Still, I am left with this uphill struggle to learn my own self-worth and then teach myself to value myself. Coming from a place with a distinct lack of self-appreciation, this is going to be tricky but this is the first step to achieving this. It is a must have, as well. There is no way apparently, that anyone will ever value me unless I show them how it is done.<br />I find it rather heartbreaking that I have to learn this at my age. It's so weird that I feel so reluctant to love and value myself.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-15907966114361134592009-01-16T21:40:00.003-05:002009-01-16T22:25:52.427-05:00My Dear MadeleineMy dear girl...my dear child. You are so grown up now. I bet you are a beautiful young lady. How I wish I could see you. How I wish I knew you. I hope you are going to stay in school and learn what it is that moves you, that which helps you reach your potential...or at least one of them. I bet you are smart and beautiful, and a kind soul. How I wished I could have raised you. Of course, I was not ready to do that, but I was never ready to let you go. <br /><br />Every time your birthday comes around I think about how things could have been different. It was probably best that never got to be your parent. But I have fantasies about how great things would have worked out. After I gave you up, I spent the next 10 years of my life in complete despair until I had my son. I should have been more joyful, in retrospect. I had finally done something solely for another human being.<br /><br />Oh dear Divinity, I wish I was good enough then to realize I could be your mother. Maybe I would feel like I was a good enough one now.<br /><br />Happy Birthday Cara Madeleine Nuit Skye. I will always love you.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-80429064001580331222008-11-23T19:35:00.000-05:002008-11-23T19:36:19.669-05:00Apparently, my blog is lockedThis is just a test.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-34897586522793120062008-11-05T08:41:00.005-05:002008-11-05T11:36:42.152-05:00O-BAM-AHhhhh!In my email this morning:<br /><br /><blockquote><br />Can you feel that? It's the immense, life-changing power of Saturn moving opposite Uranus. These two powers of our solar system haven't been opposite since the mid-60s, and you know what happened then ... revolution! These powerhouse planets are aligned again for radical changes and personal liberation. So ... what do you want to change in your life?This is no ordinary alignment of the planets; it's a major opportunity for transformation and self-expression. Saturn is about dealing with limitations and challenges. This may involve the preservation of tradition and the status quo (as, some would say are represented by John McCain's election platform). Uranus is the poster child for change, idealism and freedom (i.e. Barack Obama's platform). Together, the two planets are generating climactic energy that could produce big change in by our life -- and, if you make the right decisions, for the better!</blockquote><br /><br />It is time for a change. I am happy for the U.S.A. Obama will be good for them and the rest of the world. I pray he stays safe so he can lead them to great and wonderful things.<br /><br />For myself, the old, established order must also be overcome by a pivotal change. There are things that have to change. One is living based on fear. Fear that I won't have enough, or that people won't like me, or of what people think. The only thing that matters is my own self respect. If I can't look me in the eye every morning because I let people take advantage of me or because I am not doing the right thing then how can I give myself the esteem necessary to go forward? What good is it to have "friends" if they do not respect you? What good is it to have a relationship that is based in fear of being alone? What good is it to have "success" if it is based in something you find reprehensible? What good is it to have values when you devalue yourself?<br /><br />Good bye unempowered, fearful doormat. <br />Good bye self-interested, manipulative bullies.<br />Hello to the self-respecting, empowered nation.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-64672518843866580252008-10-28T08:42:00.003-04:002008-10-28T09:27:59.149-04:00New Moon Tonight!There is a New Moon in Scorpio tonight at 7:14 p.m. This is significant of beginnnings and possibilities.<br /><br /><blockquote>"If we consider the combination of the New Moon’s sense of being pregnant with<br />possibilities and Scorpio’s capacity for regeneration, we begin to get an idea of what is ahead. Of course, since it is Scorpio in charge, it’s very likely something will have to be released or die before the new can emerge."</blockquote><p> </p><p>From: <a href="http://realastrologers.com/?p=531">Real Astrologers</a></p><p>It is a time of quickening. Much like pulling the elastic band back before letting it go. </p><p>Time for diligence and letting the things that hold us back dissolve. Moving forward, take aim and...steady.....</p>Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-73782165191943998652008-10-27T22:37:00.004-04:002008-10-27T23:05:17.448-04:00Cheating on MyselfThe only one I cheat is myself. Okay, so I read, but is reading global conspiracy trash on the internet actually reading? Oh, and I practice. But is staying in the view while I manage to deal with inept sentient morons at work, actually practice? Yes, I did do a workout for at least 20 minutes, albeit, not yoga. However, I am writing...<span style="font-style: italic;">.this</span>, anyway.<br /><br />Someone once told me I was "exempt". I know what they meant, and it was profound and mystical. Now, whatever they meant by that it hardly matters when one is not satisfied with one's self. I have always stood at the edge of the cliff awed by the splendid scene before me. Yet, I indulge in my fears, too timid in my spirit to become one with that splendour. Oh what I have held myself back from. What have I denied to let myself become. And for what? For who?<br /><br />Tonight, I feel a bit lost. A bit like I have lost. I wonder where my fight went? I wonder where my passion and fire went? As a Buddhist this is supposed to be good, right? No, not in this way.<br /><br />When he cheated me, I started cheating myself. Yeah, I am him. I am just like him.<br /><br />I take my fire back.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-75016723717316863752008-10-26T11:13:00.006-04:002008-10-26T11:48:56.950-04:00Goals & Preparation.The weekends are often spent preparing for the week ahead. Making sure everything is clean and in it's place. However, rarely does everything get done. Still, I need to persists while I have the energy to do so. Come November, there are going to be many changes in the world that will be a bit of a distraction. So, I am creating my goals and preparing to meet the challenges<br /><br />Each day I will do something that contributes to my success in all areas. I will start small because I find most of my time recently has been spent catching up rather than moving forward. This is a conscious effort to move forward. These are things that I need to do for myself.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Daily Goals</span><br /><ol><li>20 minutes doing yoga every morning.</li><li>30 minutes doing spiritual practice in the morning.</li><li>30 minutes of reading.</li><li>30 minutes of writing.</li><li>30 minutes doing spiritual practice in the evening.<br /></li><li>Go to bed no later than 10 pm.</li><li>Wake up at 5 am.</li></ol>I need to insure that I get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. It is better for the metabolism and concentration.<br /><br />Warrior form needs nurturing.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://prayerwarriors.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/warrior.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 400px;" src="http://prayerwarriors.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/warrior.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-66085166065202409352008-10-21T00:38:00.005-04:002008-10-21T10:05:21.529-04:00Young and Rich? Ohhh....Jung & Reich<a href="http://www.kyotokimono.com/WhatsForSale/WeddingImages/0307GWedKim3front.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.kyotokimono.com/WhatsForSale/WeddingImages/0307GWedKim3front.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><strong>Ninja in Kimono</strong> <br /><br />I had a wonderful dream: <br /><br /><blockquote>Someone passed a beautiful tunic to me made of gold and pink brocade. I put it on and of course I could fly. It wasn't a surprise to me. I knew it was a magickal robe. It was called a "Ninja Kimono", or perhaps, I just thought that is what it looked like. Unfortuntely, I felt undeserving of it. I struggled with keeping it.</blockquote><br /><br />I wonder why it is that I don't think I am good enough to have fine things. Part of me can not deal with the guilt I feel from owning such lavishness. Perhaps, it would help to remember that no matter how lovely or precious everything is still impermanent - even fine silk brocade kimonos, or our precious lives. Maybe, if I think like that I won't put too much importance on some things and not on others.<br /><br />My dreams teach me that I am my own saboteur. Life hands me beauty and I feel it is too good for me. This is changing, now! I cannot continue to exist and feel this way. Too much is at stake, including my child's life. <br /><br />After all, my friends see the potential in me, why can't I? One of dear friends from Montreal had a dream about me, too: <br /><blockquote>You were rich from writing a book and you looked beautiful and had beautiful children.</blockquote><br /><br />That is what she told me. Although, I have no idea why there is an implication of children, rather than child, I do know that I have been told by many, many people that I need to write.<br /><br />So, it is time. I have to make these dreams reality. I had an image come to me last night of each negative thought I had being armour plating. Much <a href="http://www.catalase.com/bodyarm.htm">the same as Reich had suggested</a> of the protective layers we develop as we grow.<br /><br /><blockquote>Reich decided the patients' body language could be more revealing than their words. He observed their tone of voice and the way they moved and concluded that people form a kind of ARMOUR to protect themselves, not only from the blows of the outside world, but also from their own desires and instincts. Most of us desire something, and immediately set out to find ways NOT to get it! Reich saw this process working in the body. Over the years a person builds up this character armour through bodily habits and patterns of physical behaviour.</blockquote><br /><br />Interesting man, that Reich.<br /><br />That soft, vulnerable feeling is the key. Nothing to fear.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-91058174703328930212008-10-16T15:14:00.004-04:002008-10-16T17:17:18.342-04:00Positive ChargeJust surfing around the web and I came across this page <a href="http://www.motivation-tools.com/elements/life_styles.htm">Changing Your Lifestyle</a>. This seems quite appropriate for what I am trying to do with my life.<br /><br />Here is another site about <a href="http://www.1000advices.com/guru/success_believe_law_bt.html">The Law of Belief</a>. Brian Tracey states on this site:<blockquote> Positive thinking can sometimes be wishing or hoping. But positive knowing is when you absolutely know that no matter what, you will be successful</blockquote> This is what makes the difference between my successes and simply my attempts at success.<br /><br />I am going to try these two exercises that Tracey recommends: <blockquote><strong>First</strong>, continually repeat to yourself the words, pictures and thoughts consistent with your dreams and goals. Whatever you repeat often enough, over and over, becomes a new belief.<br /><br /><strong>Second</strong>, set a goal for yourself to think and talk only about the things that you want for the next 24 hours. This will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But if you can keep your mind on what you want and off of what you don't want for 24 hours, you can begin to change your entire future.<br /></blockquote><br /><br />Away we go...!Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-605389288241234402008-10-13T01:13:00.003-04:002008-10-13T01:26:28.418-04:00Thanksgiving and Wealth - Part II<a href="http://gratitudegoddess.blogspot.com/">This is my new gratitude blog.</a> To spend five minutes a day just to think about what I am grateful for and remind myself how wonderful my life is. Despite all the stresses and things I <i>don't</i> have, my life is full of goodness and possibilities. Focusing on what I "lack" is only empowering lack. Misery certainly loves company, but so does happiness. It is all a matter of attracting what we are giving over our attention to. I am choosing to attract more blessings and keeping myself focused on that. The "law" of attraction states that "like will attract like"Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-90158645434801978502008-10-08T16:26:00.005-04:002008-10-08T17:03:35.374-04:00Thanksgiving and Wealth - Part ISo, here it is. I have decided to extend my publicized efforts for financial freedom to my magickal life. I am going to start with this coming weekend, as it is Thanksgiving. It is this concept of Gratitude that creates the room in our life for abundance. So, this is my intention for the coming festivities.<br /><br />1. Invite my best friend and her kids over for a feast on Sunday.<br /><br />2. On Saturday, I am going to do a thorough cleaning of my home and body with housework and a 24 hour fast.<br /><br />3 Gather together all the food and offerings for Sunday.<br /><br />4. Make a list of everything I am grateful for in my life.<br /><br />5. Make a list of everything I am grateful for that is <i>coming into my life.</i><br /><br />I will post more on the actual details of the events for the weekend later. Right now, I just want to explain the significance of gratitude and how this works. Number five on my list is very crucial. It is important to be thankful for that which hasn't even manifested yet. Being specific is helpful too. "Universe, I am thankful for the raise/promotion/windfall/business deal/etc..." This of course, works with all aspects of your life too. Being thankful for an outcome that hasn't happened yet will make room in your life for that to happen. Your mind will be much more open to it because you can already see it and feel grateful for it. The Universe will bend to your will if you put this intention out there. Just believe it!Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-73953468360291912212008-10-08T09:45:00.002-04:002008-10-08T12:07:45.617-04:00My JobI know I simply state "Corporate Slave" on my profile, and in a way I am. However, it is just tongue-in-cheek as I really love my job. I am a receptionist at the corporate head office for a company that has about 250 long-term care facilities and retirement homes. Not exactly glamorous, but it is kind of fun and it pays the bills.<br /><br />My job also gives me a feeling of accomplishment everyday. I have many varied tasks and a lot of people depend on me to do my job right. I really get a good feeling when people are satisfied with the work I do. I have to order everything in the office, from stationary to coffee. I code invoices and make the schedule up every week. The best thing is a mobile phone with a headset that I have so, I am never stuck at my desk. I can go all over the office, (and it is a big office!), and do whatever needs to be done...or just chit-chat with friends. :)<br /><br />Someone just asked me to work on a PowerPoint presentation. I hoping that one day they ask me to be her executive assistant, but in the meantime, I am making myself useful.<br /><br />Cheers!Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-18338422109386043492008-10-06T22:05:00.003-04:002008-10-06T23:20:02.740-04:00It's Not a Secret Anymore!With all the hype about book titles (and claims) such as: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Think_and_Grow_Rich"><i>"Think and Grow Rich</i></a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Science_of_Getting_Rich"><i>"The Science of Getting Rich"</i></a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_(2006_film)"><i>"The Secret"</i></a>, which was based on the latter two, one would suspect that the general public is beginning to grasp something so very dear to financial infrastructure - It is pure thought. <br /><br />Now as a Buddhist I tend to believe that everything is, at it's most basic level, a thoughtform. In our present day, regarding the financial state of affairs in North America, and the global economy as well, it is a crucial point in the hypnotic wordsmithing of politics in the media. <br /><br />If what you believe is truly what you create then the daily crushing words of financial experts and "Wall Street gurus", (not to mention President Bush who has never done anything but deny, deny, deny), will be self-actualizing drivel.<br /><br />I am not a financial expert, but why save a system that clearly is not working?<br /><br />Since I believe in "As above, so below" and the reflection of Macro-economics in micro-economics, (and vice-versa), something doesn't add up here. The one thing that the Macro has is much grander resource. Where does all that money just disappear to?<br /><br />Regardless, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/07/business/worldbusiness/07global.html?ref=business">I think that the hype is poisoning people an d making them fearful</a>, thus creating the very situation we wish to avoid. You see, you can't <i>think</i> and <i>grow rich</i>, if all you are thinking about is how poor you are! That is the the "secret", right? So, despite what experts, gurus and outgoing, has-been Presidents have to say stay focused my dear reader. You will not perish.<br /><br />It is precisely this kind of negative self-talk that we do to ourselves that defeats us from moving forward and drives our emotions to make ridiculous choices for ourselves.We are the doomsayers of our own mind, our own lives. It is easy to fall prey to this with most of the media that we absorb emitting this type of toxic programming. The program can be changed and reacting to the fear isn't going to help.<br /><br />No, I am not surprised at all that single mothers get depressed, or that parents who lose their life savings and feel the poison of that loss in their bellies decide to commit suicide. No, it doesn't surprise me. However, if they could just remember that money is just based on thought and try to turn their thoughts away from the poverty mind. It may or may not make one rich, but at least they won't be so down. <br /><br />Wealth is out there and I will be dammed if I let the news or talk show hosts determine my mind set. I won't let the oppressive beauracracy of social programming - ouvertly meant to help citizens - determine my mind set. I won't let the status quo, stereotyping and gender bias tell me who I have to be. I will live as an exception to "their" rules.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-1100601920646341512008-10-05T14:19:00.005-04:002008-10-05T16:26:34.648-04:00Finally I have a job. Why don't I feel better?I have been very busy since I started my job in June. I moved to a bigger apartment because with the little money from OW, all I could afford was a tiny one bedroom for my son and myself. Even that place exceeded the limit allotted by OW for rent.<br /><br />I finally have a decent home and a reasonably well paying job. Yet, with rent taking up over half of my earning after tax, I am still having trouble making ends meet. This is not a new phenomenon. Getting off of OW was hard enough, now I fear I won't be able to maintain that which I have worked so hard to acquire. It's not like I go on shopping sprees or hang out at bars drinking. Still, I find myself needing to borrow money and take out payday loans to survive. What I have to do is get another job. It is like the society we live in expect there to be two incomes per household, and that is that. It is no wonder that even the goal I reached by getting employment still hasn't eased my anxieties about the survival of my family - my son and myself.<br /><br />Actually, according to E. L. Lipman, D. R. Offord and M. H. Boyle, in the Canadian Medical Association Journal single mothers are:<br /><blockquote>...more likely to be poor, to have an affective disorder and to use mental health services than mothers in 2-parent families. The risk of mental health problems is especially pronounced among poor single mothers. Further studies are needed to determine which aspects of single motherhood, apart from economic status, affect mental health outcomes.<br /></blockquote><br /><br />From: <a href="http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/reprint/156/5/639">Single mothers in Ontario:<br />sociodemographic, physical<br />and mental health characteristics</a><br /><br />None of this really surprises me.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-41650259523607793782008-02-28T13:46:00.004-05:002008-02-28T14:23:38.896-05:00Just spoke to my OW worker...I detailed in my voicemail to her what it is that I needed. She asks me what I want like she hasn't even bothered to listen to the message I left her. Fine. I explain that I need a buspass like she gave me for the month of February, for the month of March. Sh asks me what I have planned. I tell her "Job searching...", in a bit of a stunned manner because I would guess that by now this is evident. Apparently, it is not. <br /><br />Then Nadine says, "Oh you met with a worker from Families First How did that go?" (Hmm, so she did listen to my message). I tell her I did and that Ellen from FF is going to help me with sports for my son, employment strategies, and childcare. "Okay. You will need to let me know when the employment strategies comes through." I tell her that Ellen will be in contact with her. Nadine gets defensive and starts to talk to me like I am being uncooperative and hostile. <br /><br />"Look, I am trying to help you, but you are not co-operating. You need to call me..." Nadine says to me. <br /><br />"But I am Nadine. I am calling you now." I interject.<br /><br />"You need to call me about the Employment Strategies and when you are starting that." She tells me<br /><br />"Ellen was just here and she said that she is going to contact you with all this information." I explain to Nadine<br /><br />"No. You need to call me when these things happen. Those workers don't contact us. You need to do that." Nadine insists<br /><br />I am a little confused. Nadine is in a sense saying that Ellen is lying to me. What is going on here?<br /><br />"I still need transportation in the meantime." I explain<br /><br />"Yes, I am issuing the transportation cost" She finally confirms.<br /><br />"Okay. I will call you then...." I tell her to be interrupted with:<br /><br />"Okay, Bye Ms.____"<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">*click*</span><br /><br />The truth is, I don't like calling her. I feel she is non-supportive and misleading. I do not trust her. Yet, I have to trust her with my life and the life of my child. How can I trust someone that blatantly has the ability to recommend services to me, but just didn't bother? Or someone who doesn't provide me with adequate information?<br /><br />At this particular moment, I am feeling a bit helpless because my family's is in the hands of either a fool, an incompetent, or petty, power-tripper.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-64039492059976800402008-02-28T12:07:00.003-05:002008-02-28T13:05:51.194-05:00The Childcare Puzzle and the Transportation HurdleToday, a worker from <a href=http://www.peelregion.ca/ow/ourservices/community-program/families-first.htm#1 target=ffp>Families First (FF)</a> came to see me in my home. This organization works in partnership from what I can tell, with Ontario Works. My OW worker/administrator had asked me if I wanted to hook up with FF in January. However, she asked me in such a way that I might have easily have passed it up not realizing what the program truly offers. Nadine (my worker) said that I qualified to have my son enrolled in a sports program. Had I decided that my son wouldn't want this, or I for one reason or another couldn't manage to incorporate this in our lives, then I would have missed an opportunity that is crucial to creating the support system that I need to gain employment.<br /><br />See, Families First is that link to the childcare that I need. Nadine didn't present it in that manner at all. <br /><br />From the link above:<br /><br /><blockquote><b>Support</b><br /><br />Support is provided through a focused and coordinated approach to helping sole support parents become independent. This is achieved through the collaboration of Ontario Works in Peel, Peel Children's Services, and Peel Health, and community agencies.<br /><br /><b>Benefits</b><br /><br />Studies show that sole support parents on social assistance experience permanent benefits when they receive additional health, employment, and childcare services and recreational opportunities for their children.<br /><br /><b>Short Term Goals</b><br /><br /> * To improve the financial position of sole support parents<br /> * To improve the mental and physical health of sole support families in Peel<br /> * To promote healthy lifestyle activities, physical fitness, cognitive functioning, and self-esteem for children and youth of sole support families<br /> * To reduce sole support parents' reliance on fragmented health care and social assistance services<br /><br /><b>Long Term Goals</b><br /><br /> * To reduce child poverty<br /> * To help sole support parents reduce dependency on social assistance in the Region of Peel</blockquote><br /><br />It is plain to see that this is the program I need. However, if I had decided not to bother with it, (by a decision based on the limited information and poor presentation of the program from my worker), I would have missed out...WE would have missed out.<br /><br />As far as childcare goes, FF has a mandate that allows them to give me funds for childcare BEFORE I am employed. OW will only provide funds afterwards, or at least, not count the money paid out to childcare providers when making adjustments to their assistance payouts (the "check" a recipient gets)<br /><br />Still, don't be fooled, dear readers! The benefits of this FF program are still subject to approval by my OW worker - Nadine. She has the power to disapprove childcare for me. However, she has little reason to do so, since I comply with every rule and I am active in my search. I am even, at the suggestion of my FF worker, set up with an Employment Strategies worker,(something Nadine has the power to do also, but didn't bother), to show good faith on my part.<br /><br />Ellen, my FF worker, said to me that there are some people who try to get childcare and then don't bother looking for work. Sad as that may be, there are better ways of going about deciding who needs childcare and who is not putting the service to good use for their family. There are better ways to evaluate that in my estimation. One of the ways is through better communication. Another way would be through more transparency of the system which is supposedly meant to help. Why obfuscate matters and covertly manipulate clients into making decisions which may be inappropriate for them because information about what is available is not disclosed to them?<br /><br />You know, if I was this half-baked and clueless with clients in any other capacity, I would have been fired, pronto!<br /><br />I am still trying to figure out what the role of an "Ontario Works Worker" or administrator is in actuality. When I figure out more on that, I will post as comprehensive a piece I can on it.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-2832345825470013092008-02-16T12:12:00.003-05:002008-02-16T12:44:36.540-05:00My Family, Friends and Many BlessingsI am certainly blessed. Many people have stepped up to help out my family when the chips were down. A few generous souls from all over the world have sent food and other offerings to boost our spirits and make certain that we do not starve during the next months. This time of year is a terrible time. It is cold and bills are coming in from the holidays. People are generally in a bad mood. However, I can thank the caring people over at <a href=http://www.barbelith.com/ target=boo>Barbelith</a> for responding.<br /><br /><a href=http://www.barbelith.com/ target=boo>Barbelith</a> is a community I have been involved with for about 7 years. It has it's good times and bad, as it is a very close-knit community. The members are mostly known to one another, compared to many other forums, and they deal intimately with each other's opinions and life situations. Really, it is unlike any other internet message board.<br /><br />Through the support I receive, online and off, in the various forms: food, kind words, prayers, gifts, etc...I am not getting rich because of this help, I am just getting help with some very basic needs. In other words, I am not defrauding my government by accepting help.<br /><br />I should mention that when I asked my worker for help with transportation getting to job interviews, she offered to put the maximum amount in my bank account for a bus pass. There were absolutely no issues. The only issue I would bring up in regards to this would be that it was not an automatic cost. Getting around Mississauga on foot is not even an option! So, I am not certain how that gets swept aside and less-informed, or more timid clients end up suffering for it because their worker is not focused on how to help them, rather than the bottom line.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-12145502090793056192008-02-14T14:36:00.003-05:002008-02-14T15:19:20.414-05:00The Cost of LivingOn Welfare in Ontario, a single mother with one child can receive a maximum total payment of $1056, (of which I only receive $1018, for reasons unknown to me). Out of that money the provincial subsidy portion of the National Child Tax Benefit is removed so the Province is not paying out twice, (I think that is the logic.)<br /><br />Thus, in my case: $1018-112 = $906+270(Child Tax Benefit)= $1176<br /><br />Now, that is it, that is all...as far as cash goes. There is help one can get, as I have just been able to acquire money for transportation - $96.00 for a bus pass.<br /><br />Let's look at expenses, though. Out of that meager possible $1018-$1056 that a single mother with one child can get, the Ontario Works program will only allow one to allocate $538.00 towards rent. FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT DOLLARS? It doesn't matter what part of the province one lives in, this is the cap. This is damn near impossible if one lives near any of the more populated city centres. That money will barely get one room in a boarding house. Of course, this is not feasible for a mother and child. I currently live in a one-bedroom apartment with my son, and this is not adequate for us. He is seven and he needs a proper bedroom and so do I. However, the apartments in the entire Greater Toronto Area and surrounding municipalities have very high rental rates, even in the "bad" areas, which I am not crazy about bringing my child up in anyway. So, I had to ask them for permission to rent my apartment because, like most places, was above the enforced limit by OW. I pay a little less than the going rate for a one-bedroom apartment, $700. This is because she is the mother of my best friend. So..<br /><br />$700 rent<br />$120 bills (heat,internet connection, phone - which is not considered a necessity by OW)<br />$50 transport (because up to now, I have had to pay that myself until they had proof I was seeking employment and getting job interviews)<br /><br />Totaling - $870<br /><br />Thus, $1176-$870= $306 left for groceries for the month. Now, that is if I do absolutely nothing for my son such as give him money for pizza day at school and pay the fees for skating trips and the like, that can be about $40-50 in a month. (For pete's sake, he doesn't need to feel excluded at school on top of everything else!)<br /><br />So now, grocery is down to about $256 - $266, for the month.<br /><br />Heaven forbid there should be any unforeseen events or accidents...or a bloody special occasion.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-82983832605569892682008-02-09T15:33:00.000-05:002008-02-09T16:17:49.887-05:00Obstacles to OvercomeChildcare is not so much of an issue right now, but transportation is. As far as childcare goes, my landlady, (who also happens to be my best friend's mom) is an angel. She, having also been a single mom at much more difficult point in history than today, is very understanding about my needing a leg up in order to get on my feet. She is more helpful than even my parents have been, but then again I don't wish to impose. Her offer is not a permanent solution. I have to find adequate childcare still, but at least I can start a job and have proof of employment that I need for such subsidy. I wonder, what happens to other single parents in similar situations? I am indeed lucky, but until she discussed this with me, I had to turn down at least 4 different jobs. <br /><br />The other issue with childcare, other than cost and subsidies, is the times the facilities are open from and till. If most jobs are from 8:30am or 9am till about 4:30pm or 5pm, then why aren't these childcare facilities staying open in order to accommodate that? If I get off work at 5pm and then get out of the building, wait for a bus and walk over from the stop to the facility, that is going to go way over 1/2 hour. It is not reasonable. I don't even think that it is reasonable to think that a person who drives could do that. So, the places I have checked so far that are open till 6pm only start at 7:30am, and the places opening at 7am close at 5:30pm. So, parents get screwed either way. I will get back to the unrealistic structures of childcare in Ontario in another post. I will look more thoroughly into this issue.<br /><br />However, there is the problem of transportation. Should I feed my child this month or save my money for buying bus tickets to take me to job interviews? There is a possibility that Ontario Works will provide funds for transportation, but it may have the same catch22 issue as the childcare. At least, I think that is the case, but I will have to check this with my worker. Is it me, or do others see how the system is set up to keep people in it?<br /><br />I want the *bleep* out.Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7888062989373409064.post-81122322801774226752008-01-09T10:02:00.000-05:002008-01-09T14:05:35.233-05:00Phonecall with my Worker re: ChildcareI phone up my worker because I am concerned about how I am going to get from point a to point b - being on welfare to getting childcare so I can GET A JOB. I read to Nadine about <a href=http://www.mcss.gov.on.ca/NR/MCFCS/OW/English/16_5.pdf>the Policy Directives regarding Childcare Deductions</a> in Ontario Works.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><blockquote><i>Part VI, Section 49 (1) of Regulation 134/98 states:<br /><br />TREATMENT OF EARNINGS<br />49. (1) The following rules apply with respect to the treatment of earnings:<br /></blockquote></span><blockquote><span style="font-size:85%;"><blockquote>1. The sum of the total amount of gross monthly income from employment, the amounts paid<br />under a training program and net monthly income as determined by the administrator from<br />an interest in or operation of a business shall be reduced by, …<br />iv. child care expenses actually incurred for each dependent child and not<br />otherwise reimbursed or subject to reimbursement up to the maximum<br />amounts provided in paragraph 2 if,<br /><br />A. the child care expenses are necessary to permit a<br />recipient, spouse or same-sex partner included in the<br />benefit unit or a dependent adult to be employed or to<br />participate in an employment assistance activity...</i></blockquote></span></blockquote><br /><br />After reading this to my worker since she wasn't familiar with the clause she said, "So, what's your question?" I went on to explain to her <i>yet again</i>, that I need childcare assistance. She then replied to me with "You need to be in a employment program or going to school for Ontario Works to cover your childcare." I explained to her that I want to get a job and I cannot get a job because I do not have childcare. I am registered with a temporary staffing agency and they can't send me out to about 98% of the jobs they have because I cannot work full-time hours due to lack of childcare. My worker replies with "If you are employed, we won't help with childcare. Ontario Works will only help with childcare if you are going to school, in an employment program or doing community work. If I put in a request now you will be denied. Do you want to? Do you want me to put in a request? It'll come back denied." I tell her I want to put in a request.<br /><br />I ask her about those employment programs, what they are and if she can refer me to one. Nadine tells me to come into the office there are postings on the boards there. I ask her again if OW have any employment programs she can<i> refer</i> me to and she says, "Come into the office and see one of the people at the front" She repeats to me as she has many times before, "You are to look for employment <i>on your own.</i>". I have been wondering what exactly she means by this. That no support or service is provided to me even though, I might add, I am new to this community? I suppose I will check out those services <i>at the office</i>, but until then, I suppose I am confounded as to why clients are not<u> referred</u> to such services.<br /><br />Truth is, I don't really need employment services, but I am willing to go if it gets me some childcare. "I really just want to get a job..." I tell Nadine. "You won't be eligible for childcare assistance if you are employed. You need to contact <a href="http://www.peelregion.ca/childcar/subsidize.htm">Children's Services</a>" She repeats herself while interrupting me as she has done already in our conversation. I ask her to listen to me, and let me finish what I am saying so I can explain my predicament. "I don't understand how I am expected to accept a full-time job if I don't have childcare already in place."<br /><br />Now, I am certain that anyone with a child will understand what I am putting across here. One cannot start a job <i>and then afterwards</i> acquire the necessary childcare. What is one to tell a prospective employer for a start date or hours available? Childcare first, then acquisition of employment, is the logical sequence. Securing childcare is hard enough, it is not as if it can be done within hours of accepting a new position. The Childcare Services subsidy is definitely only effective if one has proof of employment and reliant on an actual <i>subsidy approved facility</i> having an opening. She knows this, as she pointed that out to me the first time I asked about childcare on December 7th, when we first met.<br /><br />However, what's my worker's response to this? "I have many clients who work and they manage to figure it out" I am a bit taken aback by this comment as it in no way helps me. In fact, I had to hold myself back from responding with "No thanks to you, I am sure." Instead I responded with "So, can you explain to me how to do that? I want to start working. How can I get help with childcare in the interim so I can start working? I am registering with temp staffing agencies for contract work and they would love to give me work but I can't accept it... " I think this finally hits home with her because she explains to me then, "Yes, Ontario Works will pay for childcare until the subsidy comes through." Finally, a breakthrough. She explains to me that I need to give her the name of the childcare provider and the cost.<br /><br />I am relieved. This is all I wanted to hear. I say, "Thank you! Why didn't you explain this to me before?" Nadine says "I did. The first day I explained this to you."<br /><br />*head/desk*<br /><br />"No you didn't, you said..." I stop myself. I know that I wouldn't be worried about childcare, or having this discussion if she had mentioned this was available to me. I decide I am not going to have a back and forth <i>yes i did-no you didn't</i> with her.<br /><br />I then tell her that the <a href="http://www.plasp.com/sap-registration.asp">PLASP</a> program at my child's school does not have an opening for after-school and I ask her if she they have a list or database or know of an agency that can help me find a provider. She states quite flatly, "N o." She adds that Ontario Works doesn't have a list and that, "You will have to do the research on your own." Thus, I am.<br /><br />This experience make me wonder though, with all this obfuscation and reluctance to actually <i>socially assist</i> people, how does one make that leap effectively from welfare to self-care?<br /><br />Next time on Mother Lode: What exactly is the role of the Ontario Works Case Administrator (worker)?Darahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18063312878854248109noreply@blogger.com6