Friday, January 16, 2009

My Dear Madeleine

My dear dear child. You are so grown up now. I bet you are a beautiful young lady. How I wish I could see you. How I wish I knew you. I hope you are going to stay in school and learn what it is that moves you, that which helps you reach your potential...or at least one of them. I bet you are smart and beautiful, and a kind soul. How I wished I could have raised you. Of course, I was not ready to do that, but I was never ready to let you go.

Every time your birthday comes around I think about how things could have been different. It was probably best that never got to be your parent. But I have fantasies about how great things would have worked out. After I gave you up, I spent the next 10 years of my life in complete despair until I had my son. I should have been more joyful, in retrospect. I had finally done something solely for another human being.

Oh dear Divinity, I wish I was good enough then to realize I could be your mother. Maybe I would feel like I was a good enough one now.

Happy Birthday Cara Madeleine Nuit Skye. I will always love you.