Thursday, September 23, 2010
Yesterday was my son's birthday. That makes another revolution around the sun for him. I made a cake and we frosted it together. He hugged me and told me I am "the best mommy". I'm not, but it's nice that he says that to me.
As for other revolutions; I am making an effort to create want I want in my life. I want beauty, health and harmony, and that is what I need to visualize. These things are possible for other people, why not me? It seems, as revolutions go, I tend to make the same orbit…you remember, I have these patterns that I tend to follow. They always lead me back to the same place. I hear that is the definition of insanity. So, I must do things differently if I wish to get different results. The pull is great to do the same things. I am stronger than that pull…I have to be.
There is a sometimes toxic tendency of mine to take on the suffering of others. I own their pain and make it mine. I do anything I can to remove that pain from them as if it was my own. It is not such a bad thing, really. If it is done for the right people, it can be a very loving experience. However, if I am taking on their anger, and pain and they cause me more on top of that, well then I get more than I can deal with. I cleanse them of pains and/or burdens, and I am left to deal with more than when I came into the relationship.
It is a cycle I see. People tend to get hurt and they have pain, then they move along to the next person and dispose of their pain on the strong shoulder, or heart that is given in trust to them. So, knowing that I cannot pass this along to anyone, that this toxicity must end here with me, I know I cannot get too close to anyone. I cannot use anyone to prop me up when I cam feeling miserable only to unburden my soul on them. This cycle ends with me.
You see, I saw my son today riding on his bike. He was struggling to play, almost awkward it. He is hurting, because I am hurting. He has trouble just being a kid and being full of life and laughter. This is my fault. He, like myself, is a sponge. I should have known better because I am a grown up. He depends on me to know better. I am often too child-like in my trusting, especially in love. I can't be a sponge anymore, cleaning up everyone's messes. Well, that is not entirely true. I need to find a source of love that is strong enough for me...one that won't give up on me.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I can't date anyone right now. It only reminds me of how much I miss him. It's not like he cares how I feel, but I wish he was really who he said he was. He wasn't.
I hope we can be friends someday. I think he is going to need one. Unfortunately, I have this curse where I love those I love forever. It never goes away. Unfortunate because I think people take advantage of that in me. They aren't there for me, but I am always there for them.
I wish I could meet someone who loves like I do. I need my lifemate. I feel so alone.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A quick update:
- My most considerable achievement of the last year is I lost 60 lbs. I did gain 10 lbs. back, but I am still much slimmer than I used to be.
- I fell in love. He was about to move in with me when he "snapped" and broke up with me on my birthday. We have been on and off again since then, but now mostly off. I have been trying to maintain a friendship with him because I do love him so much. It is hard watching him date other women, though. This type of relationship is something I need to work on...I'll get to that.
- I have enrolled at a university to take distance learning courses. The problem is paying for it.
- I still have a job at the same company and they haven't promoted me.
It seems I lost myself in this last relationship. I had not been in a relationship for about 5 years by the time he came along. I stayed away from men. I made myself unattractive with being overweight. I didn't even look at men and became as asexual as possible to avoid any intimacy with them...with anyone, actually.
There is a pattern I that has shown itself, that I have. I thought I was over it. Apparently, I am still as stupid as ever. I fall in love and I trust quite quickly. It's a dangerous flaw. I have slowed myself down since my younger days. Still, I gave my heart too quickly this time. He really seemed to want to be with me. He was crazy about me. I asked him if he was sure of his feelings several times. He always reassured me. He promised he wouldn't hurt me or misuse my trust in him. Damn, I believed him. WTF is wrong with me?
I held this beautiful vision of a wonderful life with him. He started painting my apartment so he could contribute something to what would soon be our place. He even said he would adopt my son! Then, on my birthday he came over, gave me my present, and then started to put his boots back on. I asked him what he was doing and he said he "just can't do this". He said he needs to be free now that he is divorced (he had been divorced for over a year by then), and that if he stays he will cheat on me. I feel so foolish now. Even worse, I feel like trash....just disposed of trash.
So, while I was making progress with my life before him, I have since slipped into a very desperate place after him.
Still, I have noticed there is a definite pattern in my choices. Not to excuse this guy and how he lead me on, but I have to find a way to learn where my power is and take it back. That pattern is the key. I trust too easily. I give my heart too easily. Then I find out that the other person is unable, or just unwilling, to hold up their end of our relationship. The other person simply won't put in the effort required of any relationship to actually have one with me. The reasons vary...slightly.
That leaves me in same situation over and over again. This awful feeling that I am not good enough, that no one values me, and that I have yet again, been used up and thrown away. I feel like I am a disposable girlfriend.
With everything I have read on this subject, everything tells me that I have to value myself first before anyone else will. Okay. I guess this is where I fail because I have no idea how to do that. It is hard to know how to value myself when I don't feel like anyone ever valued me. No unfortunately, not even my parents. Although, I think they would say they do value me and probably mean it, there are things from our past that have left an impression on me that they don't actually feel that way. Maybe it was an inability to show how much they value me since they probably were never shown themselves. Really, they are not bad people, let's get that straight.
Still, I am left with this uphill struggle to learn my own self-worth and then teach myself to value myself. Coming from a place with a distinct lack of self-appreciation, this is going to be tricky but this is the first step to achieving this. It is a must have, as well. There is no way apparently, that anyone will ever value me unless I show them how it is done.
I find it rather heartbreaking that I have to learn this at my age. It's so weird that I feel so reluctant to love and value myself.