Revolutions

Yesterday was my son's birthday. That makes another revolution around the sun for him. I made a cake and we frosted it together. He hugged me and told me I am "the best mommy". I'm not, but it's nice that he says that to me.

As for other revolutions; I am making an effort to create want I want in my life. I want beauty, health and harmony, and that is what I need to visualize. These things are possible for other people, why not me? It seems, as revolutions go, I tend to make the same orbit…you remember, I have these patterns that I tend to follow. They always lead me back to the same place. I hear that is the definition of insanity. So, I must do things differently if I wish to get different results. The pull is great to do the same things. I am stronger than that pull…I have to be.

There is a sometimes toxic tendency of mine to take on the suffering of others. I own their pain and make it mine. I do anything I can to remove that pain from them as if it was my own. It is not such a bad thing, really. If it is done for the right people, it can be a very loving experience. However, if I am taking on their anger, and pain and they cause me more on top of that, well then I get more than I can deal with. I cleanse them of pains and/or burdens, and I am left to deal with more than when I came into the relationship.

It is a cycle I see. People tend to get hurt and they have pain, then they move along to the next person and dispose of their pain on the strong shoulder, or heart that is given in trust to them. So, knowing that I cannot pass this along to anyone, that this toxicity must end here with me, I know I cannot get too close to anyone. I cannot use anyone to prop me up when I cam feeling miserable only to unburden my soul on them. This cycle ends with me.

You see, I saw my son today riding on his bike. He was struggling to play, almost awkward it. He is hurting, because I am hurting. He has trouble just being a kid and being full of life and laughter. This is my fault. He, like myself, is a sponge. I should have known better because I am a grown up. He depends on me to know better. I am often too child-like in my trusting, especially in love. I can't be a sponge anymore, cleaning up everyone's messes. Well, that is not entirely true. I need to find a source of love that is strong enough for me...one that won't give up on me.