The Red Flag List

Everything highlighted in red is what I went through with my exboyfriend.

1. He does things to make you feel financially obligated to him, without your asking. For instance, you haven't known each other for a year and he pays off your car to surprise you. If you and this loser break up, you will definitely get a notice to appear in small claims court to repay this "loan".

2. "The Dangling Carrot". This person throws money around to hook you, and make you believe that he is a generous person. Watch closely and you will see his attitude about money change over the months and years that you know him. The moment you are "hooked" either by moving in together or getting married, all of a sudden he is concerned about expenses and you'll find yourself nickel-and-dimed at every turn.

3. When you get into an argument, he tells you to, "Read Machiavelli's 'The Prince' so you can learn to deal with assholes like me."

4. He constantly says that ALL women are psycho.

5. He sleeps constantly. In fact, he uses it--his need for sleep--as a regular excuse to miss meals, events and even quit work.

6. She/He engages and disengages without warning. For example, every time you take her out you have a great time and a lot of fun but then she barely returns your calls, or takes several days to return them. You end up calling first because you have fun together but you find yourself in a chase mode with no indication of whether or not she's willing to be caught. This is not courting, this is a game of control and dysfunctional interaction usually dominated by someone who has mental health issues. This person is good at yo yo-ing you're emotions and making you question yourself. Bottom line...they're users.

7. He admits to paying for and having sex with a prostitute. Quadruple red flag points if he admits he did it without a condom.

8. He hurts pets or talks about how he has hurt them in the past.

9. He directly endangers your life by driving drunk.

10. He has no hobbies other than watching TV

11. He (or SHE) tries to take you on as some sort of "project" and attempt to "improve" you, as if you need to be "fixed" and he/she's doing you some sort of favor.

12. Instead of being honest with you about how he feels, you find out that he (or SHE) ridicules you behind your back, even when you have expressed a preference for honesty.
 
13. He decides that something about your behavior is bothering him, but never tells you directly, as a friend would, giving you the chance to have an open discussion. Instead, he drops subtle hints, or does it in a roundabout fashion, like sending a letter to a publication he knows you read, hoping you'll see it. When you don't pick up on the clues, he gets angry.

14. You visit at his home or apartment and it has hardly any furnishings or curtains. You find out he didn't just move in - it's been like this for months or years. When you go on a date together he asks your opinion on curtains and sofas etc. He wants YOU to be the one who chooses the colour, décor and all the knick knacks and you have been dating for two weeks? Watch out! Men like this are searching for a mothering type to save them and fix them. Run now!
-Hmm, my ex actually lives with his mother!

15. When you say you need space, he gets mad, and says, "Well, I thought we had a relationship WITHOUT boundaries..."

16. He says things like "You make me feel bad about myself" when you try to assert healthy boundaries.

17. He dumped his ex in an incredibly mean way - in front of her friends, or at their wedding, for example. Then tells you about it in great detail, with pride in his voice, expecting you to be impressed.
-he dumped me this way

18. He doesn't like you talking about (or doesn't even let you talk about) any ex boyfriends/husbands, especially past sexual stuff

19. Complains about your clothes - that they are too tight, too revealing, etc. when they are really not.

20. You find keyloggers on your computer or find him trying to get into your emails

21. He makes it clear that he doesn't want you talking about him to anyone else.

22. He vassilates from day-to-day or week to week as to whether he wants to be in a relationship or not.

23. He checks out personal stuff while you are still dating.. such as your bills laying around, notes, letters, stuff on your computer

24. He wants to get you pregnant asap

25. He calls his mother everyday and for every thing that comes up in his daily life

26. He talks outside on the phone w/ his family, never around you

27. He never really talks about any ex's but does blame everything on them, they cheated, wanted $, etc.

28. He has ex wives that you find out about LATER

29. He doesn't like to go to social places like bars, where there are a lot of people and possible attention on you from other men

30. He refers to ex-girlfriends or wives with terms like "Bitch", "Cunt" or "Whore".

31. He gives you gifts, and takes them back when you get into a fight ( those aren’t gifts they’re his bargaining chips)

32. He wants to adopt any children you have asap and wants them to call HIM daddy asap

33. He has tried and/or admits to trying to make you mad for no real reason.

34. He mentions how you should feel "lucky" to be one of the chosen few on his "good" list. "There's not a lot of people in this world I let into my life."

35. The only thing he EVER says when you are in need of empathy/support is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or, in his true narcissistic fashion, he will mention how he has felt, or feels, the EXACT same way; hence; bringing the spotlight back over to him. AGAIN.

36. He plays with himself while you are lying naked next to him. It will make you feel like you are laying next to a child that has discovered his penis for the first time.
-OMG! I hated this!

37. He mentions how he has a high IQ, and not many people "understand him."

38. The only time he says anything remotely "sincere" is when he's drunk...which is 5 nights a week. (usually after work) He'll say things that make you believe he really DOES have that soft side you've been seeking since the day you met him. "You're so good for me" "I want to be loved and show love" "You know I love you..."

39. He is domineering and selfish in bed. Gives you orders. "Touch me" "Look at me" "Tell me how much you want me." He won't get off unless you are doing these things. Sex is NOT a sensual experience for him. He doesn't understand that you are a human, have feelings, need to be treated gently, etc. Sex is just another method of him proving his greatness. And if you don't get off, he'll be upset. Not because he genuinly cares about you; but because he didn't live up to his false sexual alter ego. King of the Satin-Sheet Throne, if you will.

40. When you ask him why he's so quiet, he says, "I only say what needs to be said." He mentions the beauty of silence, and how so many people fill up the air with unnessessary vocalizations. BARF.

41. When you ask him why he doesn't open up about his emotions, he says, "I'm a machine. I'm programmed not to feel." When you tell him that's the most absurd thing you've ever heard, he will use his job (as a general manager, or any authority position) as an excuse of WHY he can't open up.
 
42. He is a film critic, a history major, and poet. You are almost intimidated by his "artsy" side. He is intelligent, well-versed, and well educated. You think to yourself, "How did I snag such a GREAT guy?" As time goes by, you notice that his film reviews (especially historical war films) and poetry are the ONLY areas he "comes alive." You wonder why he has such a strong connection to certain things, yet emotionally he's aloof.

43. When you call him out on his shit, he playfully says, "I'm clueless!" He will say this over and over again, as if it's "cute." When you are genuinely pissed off at him, he will bat his broken puppy dog eyes, and say, "I know you love me, though..."

44. Will mention how much he hates his father; yet talks to him every other day on the phone.

45. Takes no responsibility if the relationship isn't going "swimmingly." He blames YOU. YOU'RE not working with the situation. YOU'RE not accepting him the way he is. YOU'RE passive-aggressive, etc.

46. His life is ambiguous. You never really feel like you "know" him. You may meet his family once, and friends occasionally, but you always feel like he's hiding something. He never really explains any of his past in detail. And, if he does, it's only when he's explaining his way out of something. I.E. "I'm the victim, and here's why."

47. Makes extremely creepy, misogynistic comments. "I think it would be really funny, when you're introducing yourself to a woman, to extend your hand out, shake her hand, and say, 'I'm gonna rape you!' " You do NOT laugh, though he gets a kick out of this. When you corner him on this, he mentions how his uncles used to make rape-jokes.....towards him.
-Seriously, he thinks that `no` sometimes means `yes`

48. Is over socially opinionated. At first you think he's well educated, and become intrigued some of the odd facts he knows. Later you realize all these facts add up to the whole, "fighting the good fight" mentality. He's always trying to seek justice, prove wrong, pinpoint facts, find the irony, uncover the conspiracy, etc. His brain is infatuated with this shit. It's all part of the "holier than thou" mindset, how he has everything "figured out" and you should feel proud to be with such a brave man. GAG.

49. He tells you he hates you with utter vehemence when he is angry.

50. If you ever once, just for one second, see a frightening, mad, staring-eyed look on his face that isn’t the result of something at least as horrifying as him having just been bitten by a venomous snake (i.e if you’ve just suggested you both visit some friends of yours) then no matter how fleeting it was or how deeply you think you care for him, either run for the hills or change the locks (depending on whose house it is). Ignore this one and it could cost you your life.

51. He demands sex on the first date, and when you repeatedly refuse it, he replies that he won't take no for an answer, and asks repeatedly what he has to do to make you change your mind.

52. He wants to have sex when you are sick, with no regard for how you feel. These are the same kinds of people who will tell you that they require sex or a sexual act daily to be fulfilled, with no regard for their partner's state of mind or arousal.

53. His favourite subject is how oppressed he is by the world, and how all these feminists and liberated women who always turn him down have damaged his self-concept and made life so hard for him.

54. He has a litany of stories regarding "ex's" that have screwed him over.

55. Facts change within stories - he tells you one thing and twenty minutes later tells you another.

56. Over 30 with no car, no phone (cell or otherwise) and/or a history of changing residences and/or jobs multiple times in the last year.

57. Tells you grandiose stories of past experiences that don't seem to fit together.

58. On the first date, he tells you he thinks he could fall in love with you, and/or wants to marry you and he'll convert to your religion because "you are the one", etc...

59. Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."

60. He/she has an elevated tension level consistently. Tries to paint the inability to relax as a positive character trait.

61. He/she always has an "agenda". Does not sincerely listen to anything that diverts attention from the agenda, and quickly shifts conversation back to his/her goal(s), without addressing the other person's concerns.

62. He says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)

63. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. I am not saying being nice to them, I mean trying to establish his OWN close relationship with them. (In the beginning easily taken for 'nice': he wants to be a part of my life, but in fact a means to have better control -e.g. make you start doubting them later if he wants to alienate you from them, to make you more dependent on him, and to prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with him (friends don't want to get "caught in the middle"). Manipulators try to get close to YOUR friends in order to feed misinformation behind the scenes, so that they come off looking like martyrs when they pull the rug out.

64. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.

65. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.

66. Men who take a casual touch football or video game and turn it into a major competitive event complete with "psych-out" insults and verbal baiting. Later, when feelings are hurt, he will say that the object of this fierce competitiveness was "hypersensitive" or just a sore loser crybaby.
 
67. You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours, for example to not lend him your car for a week or something, and he acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that YOU ARE VERY SELFISH. 99.9% of the time, when a person tells you YOU are selfish, it is because you are refusing to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of theirs. They will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person - such things as going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without him, etc. are "selfish" since they are not about him or his "needs."

68. He/she tries to enlist your help in getting revenge on or publicly embarrassing his/her ex.

69. He/she enlists your friends and family to get you back after a fight or break up.

70. The answer to any relationship problem you have is resolved in bed.

71. He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).

72. He breaks up with you "for your own good", using excuses like "you will be miserable with me" or "you need to be free" or "you aren't ready for sex", then he begs for you to come back.

73. He does something REALLY inconsiderate and/or discourteous, and no matter how calmly you try to talk to him about it, he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND why you are hurt or upset. You find yourself having to explain concepts of basic courtesy to him. He insists that you are overreacting, being too sensitive, or uses some other implication that there must be something wrong with you. Even if he DOES apologize, you leave the conversation never really feeling like things were actually resolved. Never feeling like he really understood or accepted that his actions were inappropriate or hurtful.

74. He says things like "I just want to be good for someone. I just want to be good for YOU." Don't let it tug at your heart-strings. Don't think it means he's REALLY working on his stuff - it means he's so filled with self-hate that he's been an ass to everyone else in his past, and he thinks that he can feel good about himself if he finds the "right" woman. He's searching for salvation through YOU instead of working on his shit himself, and it won't work. It didn't work in the past with all the other women and you are just another kick at the can for him.

75. He says things like, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone...", trying to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, so you'll stay around when he is clearly behaving like an ass.

76. He sits in the car, honking the horn, or starts to drive away, while you are still in the house/apartment, trying to get ready to go out. He knows you aren't ready yet, but he goes out to the car anyway. He gets angry and frustrated if you aren't ready the instant HE is. Your life is expected to run on HIS schedule.
-Oh dear gawd, true, so true
 
77. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.

78. Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members.

79. He just *leaves* a party or function you went to with him, without telling you (or anyone else) he is leaving, or where he is going.

80. He drops subtle or not-so-subtle hints about how "perfect" he thinks he is, or what a great catch others have said he is, and how "lucky" you are to have him. Unfortunately, with this guy, you will never be able to live up to his impossible standards.

81. He tells you how his previous girlfriend (the one he dumped for you) says the two of you won't last (attempting to hook you into trying to prove her wrong).

82. He sulks or acts like a sullen jerk if you ask him to attend function with you that he doesn't want to attend, or if you don't want to leave early, when HE does. He is incapable of being mature about it and just figuring out how to have fun.

83. He goes to a movie or play or concert that YOU expressed an interest in seeing, with someone else - deliberately timing it so that you were unavailable to attend.

84. He makes joking insults about you in front of others and/or in front of you.

85. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he fucked things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to fuck it up.

86. Even though he will denigrate them on the one hand, on the other hand, he holds his previous girlfriend(s) up as impossible standards for you to live up to.

87. He seems like "a challenge", or a "diamond in the rough".

88. He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".

89. He warns you about his previous bad behaviour, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.

90. He never apologizes, or he apologizes, but in an oily way that implies that he won't make a commitment to not do it again, or in some way implies that YOU were the cause of the bad behaviour - that you "triggered" him or "pushed his dysfunctional buttons".

91. He has no friends of the opposite sex.

92. He has no friends period.

93. He has people he calls "friends" but he very rarely, (or *never* calls) them, goes out with them or does anything with them.

94. His "friends" are total flakes, crackpots and emotionally disturbed people. (Healthy people attract Healthy friends. Unhealthy people attract UNhealthy friends.)

95. He/She abandons his/her current "friends" at the start of your relationship, and practically never sees them, never does anything with them anymore - he/she is completely focussed on YOU.

96. He has no spine- lets you do whatever you want, never says NO. Says things like, "Whatever you do." or "It's up to you."

97. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents.

98. He thinks WWF wrestling is culture.

99. He/She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but him/her. Won't let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them. Or insists she/he doesn't need any friends except for you.

100. He does something REALLY hurtful or inconsiderate and when you get upset, makes a comment like, "I'm not responsible for your feelings". He refuses to do anything in the way of reparation, and invalidates your feelings. He acts cold and callous, or condescending implying that you are overreacting or being irrational by being upset.

101. He apologizes, but keeps repeating the same hurtful "mistakes". When you question him on this he accuses you of "laying blame".

102. He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression".

103. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.

104. He is a pig in his own place, but expects that the "right woman" will help him fix it up and keep it clean.

105. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)

106. (for guys in their 30's and 40's) He has NO relationship with his ex-partners, in fact, they want NOTHING to do with him. If he isn't friends with at least a couple of his ex-partners (especially the long-term significant ones), and talks with them socially periodically (over more than issues with their kids), then watch out.

107. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.

108. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."

109. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)

110. He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings), ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.

111. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.

112. He's seeing someone else (and he is intimate with them) and he falls for you. It may seem very flattering, but he'll only do the same thing to you later. It's a sick pattern and it ISN'T going to stop with YOU.

113. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities with each passing day - he's setting you up. He's "mirroring" you to be more attractive. It's another abuser/controller pattern.

114. He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.

115. He starts doing things incongruent with the person you THOUGHT you first got to know. People are always on their best behavior during the "courtship" phase. If that behavior starts to degrade and change into little nasty digs, or lies, or other forms of abuse, DITCH him before it gets worse. Don't wait around hoping the the guy you first fell in love with is going to resurface - that was obviously a False Image designed to hook you.

116. He/She takes pride in how he/she "screwed over" the ex financially in the divorce.

117. He renegs on or "forgets" any financial agreement the two of you had - such as to share the rent on a basement apartment you both worked on to fix up.

118. He insists that you remain financially independent and then complains when you can't afford the same level of entertainment and travel that HE can.

119. He seems "too good to be true" - he probably IS (not TRUE, that is).

120. He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.

121. He suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why he is irritable, inconsiderate and even nasty.

122. He continually rejects your ideas for things to do, (dates) places to go, etc.

123. He "forgets" critical things that he has KNOWN for years, like the fact that you are allergic to feathers (and buys a feather comforter for the bed, or a feather pillow).

124. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive".

125. He tells snide joking insults about you in front of others. If you complain, he says it was all in fun and you are just being too sensitive.

126. You are moving out of the infatuation phase and find yourself having to constantly reassure him that you love him and will be there, simply because you are no longer spending every waking minute (outside of work) with him. He continually complains about the lack of "intensity" in your relationship and implies that YOU are the one responsible for not keeping it up.

127. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.

128. You have to keep proving yourself worthy of his attention or love. You get attention withdrawn if you ask for responsible behaviour or in any way indicate that you were not happy with something he did.

129. He tells you many or all of his deep dark secrets, early on. It seems like he is really sensitive and opening up to you. This is often a tactic that manipulators use to get you to think that YOU are so special that they can only open up like that to YOU. It's just a technique. They do it with EVERYONE. They also do it to "cover" for their previous bad behavior, - if they TELL you about it, it MUST mean they are working on it and won't do it again... (though they NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THAT... they imply it heavily). The goal is to cover their tracks in case you happen to hear something from anyone else - this ensures that they have good cover story well in hand, as well as giving them the advantage of already convincing you of THEIR version before anyone else can get you. And the act of telling you about their bad behavior in the past will become a great caveat/excuse in future if they enact it on you - "well I TOLD you I was a manipulator, and that I was TRYING to change..." the implication being that you just weren't SPECIAL enough, after all... or that you aren't trying hard enough... Watch what they DO, not what they say.

130. He/she continually wants to discuss "the relationship", and is always finding problems or faults with it, and/or starts insisting/implying that all the relationship problems are YOUR fault.

131. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.

132. He uses money to win influence and/or get attention, not because he is genuinely altruistic or generous in nature - for example, he drops hundreds or thousands of dollars on "donations" to charitable organizations (so he can get VIP status at their functions), but won't loan you his $5 beat-up old backpack.

133. She doesn't eat.

134. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!

135. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason.

136. Over 30 and still living at home.

137. His/her whole social life revolves around his/her parents.

138. On the first date, already talks about marriage or kids. (This is even out on the 2nd or 3rd date)

139. After only one or two dates, gets overly possessive. Calls constantly, sends gifts, shows up at work.

140. His entire wardrobe consists of clothes from trade shows like Comdex, bearing the logos of software and gaming companies.

141. He stockpiles weapons.

142. He has kids with various women and never sees them.

143. He/She has long history of getting involved with losers, deadbeats, drug addicts.

144. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.

145. He/she says things like "you're everything to me. I can't live without you."

146. Everyone hates him- your friends, your parents, even your dog.

147. He/she is under 23 and has already been married and divorced and has kids.

148. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.

149. He shows signs of penny-pinching. For example, a guy who only goes to the rep theatre because he has a special card, and then won't even buy a popcorn but eats out of your container all night and shares your soda. Then won't even go out for a beer after, even if it's a weekend. His clothes are ten years old or more.

150. He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.

151. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)

152. He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to wait staff and gets a kick out of their discomfort.

153. He refuses to wear a condom and supports his argument against condoms by saying, "I never wear them."

154. He tells you not to get "illusions of grandeur" in regard to marrying him.

155. Sports programs pre-empt visits with his children on a regular basis.

156. This is a big one: He downplays all the "RULES" people follow when dating. He complains that women always make men jump through hoops. He focuses on these two issues for most of his conversations in the first few dates. His way of getting around the rules is to repeat, "Ours isn't a conventional relationship. We're not like all of those other people out there who have to have boundaries."

157. During sex, he/she requests some creepy sexual act, making it impossible for him/her and you to ever enjoy sex with another person again or have children, i.e. removing the testicles, clitoris and other such things.

158. Heated arguments about trivial things (i.e. your tone when saying baby, failure to catch a blown kiss) arise out of nowhere and just as easily they disappear. After which, he/she is super apologetic about things you BOTH should change.

159. He says "my mother doesn't even like me." Run.

160. He begins a sentence with "I'm telling you the truth." (This is a usually a neon sign that says a lie is coming.)

161. He laughs gleefully when you get in a fight with your mom/dad/sister/brother/friend.

162. He says he is still a virgin at 39 because women scare him, and he wanted to wait for the right woman who would understand his sensitive heart.

163. He or she is on a labour intensive, esoteric diet that has to be endlessly catered to. People like this can limit your social horizons and isolate you, very quickly.

164. The person has a medical condition, such as diabetes, and refuses to take adult responsibility for sticking with diet, medication and exercise.
 
165. The person has an active addiction or a medical psychiatric condition such as bipolar disorder and follows a treatment plan just long enough to look good and get you to marry them. Once you marry the person and (worse yet) get pregnant, all at once the person resumes the addiction and or goes off the psych medications. If you are dating someone who discloses a history of addiction or a major psych medical disorder, adherence to treatment and medication should be required and going off the medication should be a deal breaker.

166. The person is highly responsible, but only because he (or she) was from a dysfunctional family and was groomed to be Family Rescuer/Strong Person. Unless the person has years of therapy to break the cycle, you run the risk of your own marriage turning into a non-stop board and care facility/bail bond agency, bank etc. You will inherit the Rescuer mantle and constantly have some family member in crisis, needing to sleep on your couch, get a loan, etc.

167. He seems quiet gentle, even courteous most of the time, but blasts off like a raging maniac while watching sports on TV or ranting about social or religious injustice. This may be the sign of a secretly angry person who hides the fury behind a public false self and has to vent that anger in private.

168. If he/she is in a spiritual or helping profession, make sure he or she isn't using the good cause work to conceal an essential narcissism. Some selfish people covertly use spirituality as a psy-ops weapon. It does indeed happen that someone can be an asshole in private will conceal this behind a public facade and do lots of good away from home as a renowned therapist, a much loved social justice activist, or as a charismatic and saintly spiritual leader. Being partnered with a Jekyll/Hyde type who is a saint in public and a schmuck in private is a nightmare because no one wants to believe that such an altruist could possibly be abusive in private.
There is a small but important subsection of assholes that go into good cause work or the ministry precisely to conceal, even to themselves, their own dark sides. They may need to marry in order to be employable as ministers. So be very careful if dating people like this.

169. He comes from a much wealthier family that is readily accepting of you. Most rich families prefer for their sons and daughters to marry equivalently rich partners--the instinct is to keep the family money intact and add to it, whenever possible. If the family seems too eager, make sure that their reasons for embracing you aren't any of the following:
o the son is getting old enough that his single status is arousing comment.
o no girl from a rich family has been willing to take him on.
o in event of a divorce, you would be unable to afford a lawyer equivalent to what the in-laws can afford.

170. You read this list, and when one of these things seems to apply to your significant other, you think "Well, he/she does this, but it's different because of his/her situation" or, worse yet, "It's really my fault that he/she does this".

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

What Am I Worth?

So, it has been over a year since I last wrote in this blog. Thank you to all of you who are still fans, even though I all but deleted this.

A quick update:

• My most considerable achievement of the last year is I lost 60 lbs. I did gain 10 lbs. back, but I am still much slimmer than I used to be.
• I fell in love. He was about to move in with me when he "snapped" and broke up with me on my birthday. We have been on and off again since then, but now mostly off. I have been trying to maintain a friendship with him because I do love him so much. It is hard watching him date other women, though. This type of relationship is something I need to work on...I'll get to that.
• I have enrolled at a university to take distance learning courses. The problem is paying for it.
• I still have a job at the same company and they haven't promoted me.

So, I think those are the main highlights. Nope, nothing exciting. I haven't done much transforming, but that is the track I have to get myself back on.

It seems I lost myself in this last relationship. I had not been in a relationship for about 5 years by the time he came along. I stayed away from men. I made myself unattractive with being overweight. I didn't even look at men and became as asexual as possible to avoid any intimacy with them...with anyone, actually.
There is a pattern I that has shown itself, that I have. I thought I was over it. Apparently, I am still as stupid as ever. I fall in love and I trust quite quickly. It's a dangerous flaw. I have slowed myself down since my younger days. Still, I gave my heart too quickly this time. He really seemed to want to be with me. He was crazy about me. I asked him if he was sure of his feelings several times. He always reassured me. He promised he wouldn't hurt me or misuse my trust in him. Damn, I believed him. WTF is wrong with me?
I held this beautiful vision of a wonderful life with him. He started painting my apartment so he could contribute something to what would soon be our place. He even said he would adopt my son! Then, on my birthday he came over, gave me my present, and then started to put his boots back on. I asked him what he was doing and he said he "just can't do this". He said he needs to be free now that he is divorced (he had been divorced for over a year by then), and that if he stays he will cheat on me. I feel so foolish now. Even worse, I feel like trash....just disposed of trash.
So, while I was making progress with my life before him, I have since slipped into a very desperate place after him.
Still, I have noticed there is a definite pattern in my choices. Not to excuse this guy and how he lead me on, but I have to find a way to learn where my power is and take it back. That pattern is the key. I trust too easily. I give my heart too easily. Then I find out that the other person is unable, or just unwilling, to hold up their end of our relationship. The other person simply won't put in the effort required of any relationship to actually have one with me. The reasons vary...slightly.
That leaves me in same situation over and over again. This awful feeling that I am not good enough, that no one values me, and that I have yet again, been used up and thrown away. I feel like I am a disposable girlfriend.
With everything I have read on this subject, everything tells me that I have to value myself first before anyone else will. Okay. I guess this is where I fail because I have no idea how to do that. It is hard to know how to value myself when I don't feel like anyone ever valued me. No unfortunately, not even my parents. Although, I think they would say they do value me and probably mean it, there are things from our past that have left an impression on me that they don't actually feel that way. Maybe it was an inability to show how much they value me since they probably were never shown themselves. Really, they are not bad people, let's get that straight.
Still, I am left with this uphill struggle to learn my own self-worth and then teach myself to value myself. Coming from a place with a distinct lack of self-appreciation, this is going to be tricky but this is the first step to achieving this. It is a must have, as well. There is no way apparently, that anyone will ever value me unless I show them how it is done.
I find it rather heartbreaking that I have to learn this at my age. It's so weird that I feel so reluctant to love and value myself.

My Job

I know I simply state "Corporate Slave" on my profile, and in a way I am. However, it is just tongue-in-cheek as I really love my job. I am a receptionist at the corporate head office for a company that has about 250 long-term care facilities and retirement homes. Not exactly glamorous, but it is kind of fun and it pays the bills.

My job also gives me a feeling of accomplishment everyday. I have many varied tasks and a lot of people depend on me to do my job right. I really get a good feeling when people are satisfied with the work I do. I have to order everything in the office, from stationary to coffee. I code invoices and make the schedule up every week. The best thing is a mobile phone with a headset that I have so, I am never stuck at my desk. I can go all over the office, (and it is a big office!), and do whatever needs to be done...or just chit-chat with friends. :)

Someone just asked me to work on a PowerPoint presentation. I hoping that one day they ask me to be her executive assistant, but in the meantime, I am making myself useful.

Cheers!

It's Not a Secret Anymore!

With all the hype about book titles (and claims) such as: "Think and Grow Rich, "The Science of Getting Rich" and "The Secret", which was based on the latter two, one would suspect that the general public is beginning to grasp something so very dear to financial infrastructure - It is pure thought.

Now as a Buddhist I tend to believe that everything is, at it's most basic level, a thoughtform. In our present day, regarding the financial state of affairs in North America, and the global economy as well, it is a crucial point in the hypnotic wordsmithing of politics in the media.

If what you believe is truly what you create then the daily crushing words of financial experts and "Wall Street gurus", (not to mention President Bush who has never done anything but deny, deny, deny), will be self-actualizing drivel.

I am not a financial expert, but why save a system that clearly is not working?

Since I believe in "As above, so below" and the reflection of Macro-economics in micro-economics, (and vice-versa), something doesn't add up here. The one thing that the Macro has is much grander resource. Where does all that money just disappear to?

Regardless, I think that the hype is poisoning people an d making them fearful, thus creating the very situation we wish to avoid. You see, you can't think and grow rich, if all you are thinking about is how poor you are! That is the the "secret", right? So, despite what experts, gurus and outgoing, has-been Presidents have to say stay focused my dear reader. You will not perish.

It is precisely this kind of negative self-talk that we do to ourselves that defeats us from moving forward and drives our emotions to make ridiculous choices for ourselves.We are the doomsayers of our own mind, our own lives. It is easy to fall prey to this with most of the media that we absorb emitting this type of toxic programming. The program can be changed and reacting to the fear isn't going to help.

No, I am not surprised at all that single mothers get depressed, or that parents who lose their life savings and feel the poison of that loss in their bellies decide to commit suicide. No, it doesn't surprise me. However, if they could just remember that money is just based on thought and try to turn their thoughts away from the poverty mind. It may or may not make one rich, but at least they won't be so down.

Wealth is out there and I will be dammed if I let the news or talk show hosts determine my mind set. I won't let the oppressive beauracracy of social programming - ouvertly meant to help citizens - determine my mind set. I won't let the status quo, stereotyping and gender bias tell me who I have to be. I will live as an exception to "their" rules.

The Childcare Puzzle and the Transportation Hurdle

Today, a worker from Families First (FF) came to see me in my home. This organization works in partnership from what I can tell, with Ontario Works. My OW worker/administrator had asked me if I wanted to hook up with FF in January. However, she asked me in such a way that I might have easily have passed it up not realizing what the program truly offers. Nadine (my worker) said that I qualified to have my son enrolled in a sports program. Had I decided that my son wouldn't want this, or I for one reason or another couldn't manage to incorporate this in our lives, then I would have missed an opportunity that is crucial to creating the support system that I need to gain employment.

See, Families First is that link to the childcare that I need. Nadine didn't present it in that manner at all.

From the link above:

Support

Support is provided through a focused and coordinated approach to helping sole support parents become independent. This is achieved through the collaboration of Ontario Works in Peel, Peel Children's Services, and Peel Health, and community agencies.

Benefits

Studies show that sole support parents on social assistance experience permanent benefits when they receive additional health, employment, and childcare services and recreational opportunities for their children.

Short Term Goals

* To improve the financial position of sole support parents
* To improve the mental and physical health of sole support families in Peel
* To promote healthy lifestyle activities, physical fitness, cognitive functioning, and self-esteem for children and youth of sole support families
* To reduce sole support parents' reliance on fragmented health care and social assistance services

Long Term Goals

* To reduce child poverty
* To help sole support parents reduce dependency on social assistance in the Region of Peel

It is plain to see that this is the program I need. However, if I had decided not to bother with it, (by a decision based on the limited information and poor presentation of the program from my worker), I would have missed out...WE would have missed out.

As far as childcare goes, FF has a mandate that allows them to give me funds for childcare BEFORE I am employed. OW will only provide funds afterwards, or at least, not count the money paid out to childcare providers when making adjustments to their assistance payouts (the "check" a recipient gets)

Still, don't be fooled, dear readers! The benefits of this FF program are still subject to approval by my OW worker - Nadine. She has the power to disapprove childcare for me. However, she has little reason to do so, since I comply with every rule and I am active in my search. I am even, at the suggestion of my FF worker, set up with an Employment Strategies worker,(something Nadine has the power to do also, but didn't bother), to show good faith on my part.

Ellen, my FF worker, said to me that there are some people who try to get childcare and then don't bother looking for work. Sad as that may be, there are better ways of going about deciding who needs childcare and who is not putting the service to good use for their family. There are better ways to evaluate that in my estimation. One of the ways is through better communication. Another way would be through more transparency of the system which is supposedly meant to help. Why obfuscate matters and covertly manipulate clients into making decisions which may be inappropriate for them because information about what is available is not disclosed to them?

You know, if I was this half-baked and clueless with clients in any other capacity, I would have been fired, pronto!

I am still trying to figure out what the role of an "Ontario Works Worker" or administrator is in actuality. When I figure out more on that, I will post as comprehensive a piece I can on it.

Phonecall with my Worker re: Childcare

I phone up my worker because I am concerned about how I am going to get from point a to point b - being on welfare to getting childcare so I can GET A JOB. I read to Nadine about the Policy Directives regarding Childcare Deductions in Ontario Works.

Part VI, Section 49 (1) of Regulation 134/98 states:

TREATMENT OF EARNINGS
49. (1) The following rules apply with respect to the treatment of earnings:

1. The sum of the total amount of gross monthly income from employment, the amounts paid
under a training program and net monthly income as determined by the administrator from
an interest in or operation of a business shall be reduced by, …
iv. child care expenses actually incurred for each dependent child and not
otherwise reimbursed or subject to reimbursement up to the maximum
amounts provided in paragraph 2 if,

A. the child care expenses are necessary to permit a
recipient, spouse or same-sex partner included in the
benefit unit or a dependent adult to be employed or to
participate in an employment assistance activity...

After reading this to my worker since she wasn't familiar with the clause she said, "So, what's your question?" I went on to explain to her yet again, that I need childcare assistance. She then replied to me with "You need to be in a employment program or going to school for Ontario Works to cover your childcare." I explained to her that I want to get a job and I cannot get a job because I do not have childcare. I am registered with a temporary staffing agency and they can't send me out to about 98% of the jobs they have because I cannot work full-time hours due to lack of childcare. My worker replies with "If you are employed, we won't help with childcare. Ontario Works will only help with childcare if you are going to school, in an employment program or doing community work. If I put in a request now you will be denied. Do you want to? Do you want me to put in a request? It'll come back denied." I tell her I want to put in a request.

I ask her about those employment programs, what they are and if she can refer me to one. Nadine tells me to come into the office there are postings on the boards there. I ask her again if OW have any employment programs she can refer me to and she says, "Come into the office and see one of the people at the front" She repeats to me as she has many times before, "You are to look for employment on your own.". I have been wondering what exactly she means by this. That no support or service is provided to me even though, I might add, I am new to this community? I suppose I will check out those services at the office, but until then, I suppose I am confounded as to why clients are not referred to such services.

Truth is, I don't really need employment services, but I am willing to go if it gets me some childcare. "I really just want to get a job..." I tell Nadine. "You won't be eligible for childcare assistance if you are employed. You need to contact Children's Services" She repeats herself while interrupting me as she has done already in our conversation. I ask her to listen to me, and let me finish what I am saying so I can explain my predicament. "I don't understand how I am expected to accept a full-time job if I don't have childcare already in place."

Now, I am certain that anyone with a child will understand what I am putting across here. One cannot start a job and then afterwards acquire the necessary childcare. What is one to tell a prospective employer for a start date or hours available? Childcare first, then acquisition of employment, is the logical sequence. Securing childcare is hard enough, it is not as if it can be done within hours of accepting a new position. The Childcare Services subsidy is definitely only effective if one has proof of employment and reliant on an actual subsidy approved facility having an opening. She knows this, as she pointed that out to me the first time I asked about childcare on December 7th, when we first met.

However, what's my worker's response to this? "I have many clients who work and they manage to figure it out" I am a bit taken aback by this comment as it in no way helps me. In fact, I had to hold myself back from responding with "No thanks to you, I am sure." Instead I responded with "So, can you explain to me how to do that? I want to start working. How can I get help with childcare in the interim so I can start working? I am registering with temp staffing agencies for contract work and they would love to give me work but I can't accept it... " I think this finally hits home with her because she explains to me then, "Yes, Ontario Works will pay for childcare until the subsidy comes through." Finally, a breakthrough. She explains to me that I need to give her the name of the childcare provider and the cost.

I am relieved. This is all I wanted to hear. I say, "Thank you! Why didn't you explain this to me before?" Nadine says "I did. The first day I explained this to you."

*head/desk*

"No you didn't, you said..." I stop myself. I know that I wouldn't be worried about childcare, or having this discussion if she had mentioned this was available to me. I decide I am not going to have a back and forth yes i did-no you didn't with her.

I then tell her that the PLASP program at my child's school does not have an opening for after-school and I ask her if she they have a list or database or know of an agency that can help me find a provider. She states quite flatly, "N o." She adds that Ontario Works doesn't have a list and that, "You will have to do the research on your own." Thus, I am.

This experience make me wonder though, with all this obfuscation and reluctance to actually socially assist people, how does one make that leap effectively from welfare to self-care?

Next time on Mother Lode: What exactly is the role of the Ontario Works Case Administrator (worker)?

Childcare Limbo

My son's first day back and in a new school and I am caught in between a rock and a hard place. To get off of Welfare I have to get a job. In order to get a job I need childcare, BUT I cannot get child care subsidy unless I have a job. Yes, you read that right. My worker, Nadine, says that Ontario Works does not pay for childcare, not ever. The Region of Peel Children's Services needs 2 pay stubs to prove I am working in order to qualify for the subsidy.

So, I can't really afford to work. There is little in the way of incentive to get a job, even though I am required to look for one. Even if I was hired I wouldn't be able to accept because I have no childcare for before and after school. Not only do I not have childcare, but I have no way of paying for it. What kind of a welfare system provides no clear way out for those who wish to get a job and contribute to their community? How exactly am I supposed to become self-sufficient if the system hands me a fish instead of teaching me how to bait the hook?

This is what I am going to find out.

So far, not one service I have contacted about this has been able to help me bridge the gap between getting a childcare, a childcare subsidy, and my chances of acquiring a full-time, gainful employment. As it stands today, I have had to turn down two excellent opportunities because I have no child care, nor the ability to pay for it.

From the Bottom UP

I suppose life could be worse. I could have an addiction (to something other than tea or coffee) that could be life threatening and greatly reduce the quality of our life and my ability to parent. (I have dealt with these things, but I am not going to discuss that now.) My son and I might have lived in a country that didn't have such wonderful social programs and we would be out on the street, huddling in a cardboard box for warmth. Yeah, it could be worse, but as it stands right now, I am about as low as I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I have been lower than this in my life, but now, as a mother and at this point in my life, I will not be so accepting and complacent about the quality of our life.

From the Bottom Up

I suppose life could be worse. I could have an addiction (to something other than tea or coffee) that could be life threatening and greatly reduce the quality of our life and my ability to parent. (I have dealt with these things, but I am not going to discuss that now.) My son and I might have lived in a country that didn't have such wonderful social programs and we would be out on the street, huddling in a cardboard box for warmth. Yeah, it could be worse, but as it stands right now, I am about as low as I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I have been lower than this in my life, but now as a mother and at this point in my life, I will not be so accepting and complacent about our quality of life.

Being on Social Assistance or "Welfare" is not something I am proud of. (I will refer to Social Assistance as SA, hereafter.) It is terribly embarrassing, in fact. I wish to discuss it here though, as a study on the struggle to become self-sufficient and get oneself and family off of the system and SA. Not just of SA and have a job, but be able to live in a manner that offers security and growth. If for example, I broke my leg, I would be able to take care of all my family's needs, as in food, shelter, clothing, and transportation, while I convalesced. That not only are we able to just barely survive, but a life were we can flourish and not risk ending up back on SA. I want to achieve this, and I will achieve this, as a single parent who starts out with little else than her wits and a few good friends - for which, I am blessed to have.

I will log my experiences and actions taken to do this. I will also log my feelings and states of mind that can contribute but sometimes hinder progress. The people I meet and the agencies I am referred to and which ones help me and the attitudes of the staff.

This is not going to be a cakewalk. I am not doing this as an experiment. It is real life for my son and I. Wish me luck!

Inspector Gadget keeps up with the Joneses

I am just one woman. There are so many responsibilities that I have to keep up with. Raising a child alone is difficult enough, but modern society also pressures it's members to own certain things and "keep up with the Joneses". I don't know anyone by the name of Jones, but I see that most people do have more than we do - my son and I, that is.

While I feel the need to care for my son, there is a vast array of superfluous gadgetry that is tauted about to the the modern, North American seducing children and adults alike. Do these kids really need mp3 players or camera phones, or the very sophisticated video players? No, they don't need them, but if the kids want to be socially functional, they have to get them. This is what is being taught to them.

As adults, in general, we have enforced this idea that the "simple life" is no good. If we are not laden with gadgets, then we are inferior, somehow. Our children at a young age, must look up at us with all our electronic, wireless, digital paraphernalia and think we are living versions of Inspector Gadget. Frankly, I wonder if even he could keep up with the current demands to own high-tech gear.

Anyway, I have to do the laundry...Go, go, gadget-mummy!

Possiblity and Probabilty

I am reminded of the book "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe" by Douglas Adams - the impossible versus the highly improbable, and the probability factor. See, the chance, or the probability, that I will change my life is not very high. People in my position are rarely able to climb out of this - single mother, low-income, no support from the father, on the "dole" (as it is often referred to) - the situation seems bleak. This year though, this coming year, 2008, is supposed to be good for me, and it starts now in December.

Mark these words: I will be off the "system" and become financially successful by the end of 2008.

This is a promise to myself and to my child.

My child needs to be sent to private school.The state of public schools scare me. My child is also very intelligent, st least according to the testing. As a parent, you want to provide the absolute best for your child. I feel it is my duty and honour to provide for my son.

Right there, with that inspiration, my probability factor just kicked up a level. Now, I have to think about possibility. Apparently, anything is possible.

Who am I becoming?

This is a good question indeed. I remember a much different me. It is almost as if it wasn't me. So horrible are these images of my past. The things I remember doing and saying and feeling are not in tune with who I am today. It was as if something left me. Maybe it was just my anger, but it was a profound release. An anger that was so strong it had it's own name, and an army of psychosis behind it. It was not all my anger or negativity, and I don't think I realized at the time what I done. It moved through me and it was painful and I screamed for help, but no one was there to help - not physically, anyway.

I feel remarkably different. Who is this? I am constant change. I am never and naught. I am not I. That way, I can be be what it wants to be.